How to Miss Heaven: Inside the Secret Night Summons of a Ugandan Boarding School (Circa. 2003)

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Today might be the second time I’ve witnessed a boda man judging a street-preaching woman for wearing lipstick and not fitting his standard of holy clothing.

This evening’s Judge James added earrings. He said that the bible forbids us from adorning ourselves.

This reminded me of one of my P.5 dormitory matrons, and this is how I end up sharing a bit about how a school matron was going to initiate kids into the cult she subscribed to.

If you saw the 2023 news about that dormitory that caught fire after a lightning strike, that’s the school whose environs carry this story I’m about to tell.

I don’t know if it’s still the culture at St. Theresa Kisubi Girls’ School, but the years before 2006, we called our matrons Mukulu.

In 2003, we had a Mukulu Racheal who also doubled as a librarian. She was a totally different breed compared to the other matrons who caned, insulted and quarrelled.

Mukulu Racheal carried storybooks from the library and read to us before we slept. She spoke to us often about life. She emphasized hygiene, especially during our menstruation periods. She was very peaceful and encouraged us to be kind to each other. In fact, one time I abused someone and immediately followed it up with a plea for God’s forgiveness. I was one of the highlights of that night. She had heard everything while in her room and so during that night’s summon, she applauded me for seeking God’s forgiveness there and then because it left me pure. 🙂‍↕️😆

Mukulu Racheal loved us so much that if you didn’t lay your bed, she would lay it for you. With such acts, she easily engraved her name on our hearts without asking.

She told us about how she is one of the few people in the world that have the Original Bible. That the wrong powers that be burned many of them and came up with fake scriptures. Mukulu Racheal hated sin. She told us that on judgement day, we shall even try to hide behind mountains, and the mountains will walk away from us, telling us not to hide in them. She said that nothing that God created would allow us to hide from being held accountable. Mukulu Racheal loathed this sinful world that hated holy ones and truth tellers like her. And with such information, we were compelled to protect her.

Mukulu Racheal told us so many things, some of which I may not remember, but I know for sure that she subscribed to Isa Masiya and that their leader was the only Apostle Jesus left behind. Forget these apostles that get visions. This one was one of those that walked side by side with Jesus. Mukulu Racheal and her fellow congregants met on a specific day I don’t remember, but whenever she returned and told us that Besweeri had sent us greetings, we felt chosen and favoured by God.

St. Theresa Kisubi Girls is a Catholic primary school, but during these night summons, we learned that Catholicism is evil. Our loving matron warned us that the Pope had the 666 mark on his forehead, but he covered it with that “lu cap” of his 🤭. You will not believe what she said about the Holy Eucharist bread. I always laugh when I get to this part. Mukulu Racheal said that the Pope walks or is driven around with a potty and his poop is what is processed to make the bread.

The Eucharist is the “source and summit” of Catholic life. Many of us had already done all the 3 Catechism classes, and there we were left conflicted, hysterical and angry with our parents. I remember trying to have a conversation with my fellow victim who was far beyond distraught. I don’t remember the details of our conversation, but there we were at the age of 10, forced to make such a spiritual decision without the guidance of our parents – because they were grave sinners we were not supposed to associate with.

I don’t know how long she managed to run this show, but the headmistress got wind of this and, without warning us or involving us in this decision, Mukulu Racheal was fired.

I remember it was a Saturday mid-morning when one of the girls ran to class and told us that Mukulu Racheal was…more like under attack. Guyssss 😂😂😂. We got out of class to witness the evil taking place. The Headmistress stood between the class and the dormitory, so we probably weren’t bold enough to cross Sister. We stayed close to the class block.

The beloved Sr. Nabbosa Valentine begged us to go back to class but we were immovable. She begged, “My dear daughters..” and many in unison responded “we are not your dears”. I don’t remember how she managed to leave the school without us running after her. Maybe the teachers managed to scare us back to class, but when we got back to the dormitory, cries enveloped the whole building. Some kids were even crying for their money because…I don’t know…had she borrowed it or was she keeping it for them? 😂

Mukulu Racheal stole 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

You might be wondering how this Mukulu Racheal is related to this evening’s boda man. Yea? Well, one “general talk weekend” she forbade us from ever wearing lipstick and told us that we sinned against God for having pierced ears. Because we weren’t allowed to carry ear pins to school, many kids had sticks in their holes so that they wouldn’t block. I was one of those kids who took out the sticks to let the pin-holes block before Simon Peter chased me away from the gates of Heaven.

Written by

Nabuguzi. Kiwanuka

Lawyer. Founder, Director, CEO at Equate Foundation. Podcaster - Hash Time with Nabuguzi Kiwanuka. Drawer. Dance lover. Music lover. Risk-taker. Daily learner.

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