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Ugandan Rugby Clubs as Patrons in a Bar

Mongers  

Always goes to the bar wearing brightly coloured outfits. Claims his old man owns a Gucci outlet but truly it is a warehouse of second-hand clothes in Nansana kumastowa. Ever yelling ‘Tuli Waweeru’ when drinking those coloured cocktails. Loves dancing on top of tables.

Impis  

Is usually the one who starts fights in the bar. Loves aggression. Continuously swears that anyone who touches his friends in the bar will feel his wrath. Feared by everyone, including bouncers & the nearby police kiosk. Has an enormous ego, a thick chest & small legs.

Rams 

Confessed health freak who’ll always work his ‘healthy lifestyle’ into any conversation. Says he drinks only mocktails and has never tasted alcohol but is always carried home from the bar. Constantly claims his drinks are spiked by strangers. Suffers from memory loss.

Kobs 

Automatically switches to a British accent after 4 beers. Will never miss a chance to remind everyone that he’s a graduate of a UK University. Is always around gorgeous women because he loves to gossip & knows how to dance. Drinks beer with a straw. Loves the word ‘innit’.

Hippos 

Drinks tea whenever in the bar. Hates people. Hates crowds. Hates noise. Hates the DJ. Goes to the bar to just watch everyone else make a fool of themselves. Secretly wishes he had friends he could talk to about the things he’s passionate about – gardening & piggery.

Warriors 

Claims to be a teetotaler because it is a lifestyle choice but is secretly struggling with a chronic liver illness because of all the alcohol he used to drink not so long ago. Chugs Crude Waragi before going to the bar to sit down and drink mocktails all night long.

Pirates 

Short noisy fella who dresses well but struggles to get respect because of his little height & high pitched voice. Is dating a bar waitress. Drinks beer on credit & easily disappears into the crowd because he’s 5’1. Secretly sells cheap perfumes & Jewellery in the bar.

Rhinos 

Gets sent to the counter to bring drinks, find the shisha guy or tip the DJ. Is kind & down to earth but never has any money. Loved by the girls because when all the guys have passed out, he’ll safely get them home. Kind but poverty-stricken. Sleeps in the Bar store.

Heathens 

Loves to flash around his VISA card. Sits at a ‘Reserved’ Table but never says a word coz he can’t speak good English. Has no sense of humour and can’t dance but is rich so has people around him. Drives the only lime green Vitz in the city. Wears snake skins shoes.

Buffaloes

 Has been banned from several bars for trying to illegally vend cheap alcohol in the men’s bathrooms. Drinks like a fish but never gets drunk. Always carries condoms in his wallet in case he ever gets lucky – has never gotten lucky. Ever the last to leave the bar.

The End!

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Written by beewol

Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Pluviophile. Fixer.

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TRIBUTE TO MY FRIEND, JACOB OULANYAH L’OKORI AKA YAKOBO

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