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Suicide Note: Take 1

I once read that suicide does not end the pain, it just passes it onto someone new. Truthfully, I cannot tell you where I found this – must have been on one of those ‘please don’t kill yourself’ sites that Google now puts in my search results after I looked up convenient suicide methods the first 26 times – but I feel it rings true. Therefore, the point of this suicide note is not to give you a reason why I killed myself. If there exist reasons that can chase away the overwhelming agony and emptiness of grief, they are beyond me. After all, I am not that good a writer. The point then, is to simply acknowledge that I realise you might be in pain and I am sorry it had to come at the end of mine.

If you are reading this and I am dead, then I imagine that it is indeed grief that you are feeling, if you feel anything at all. My life was so boring, in the end, that there can only be two reactions to news of my death by my own hand. The first would be confusion and grief from my family, the people who love me in their own grudging way but do not like me.

That love, the kind that is sort of forced upon you from years of familiarity, seems almost unfair and if it is my family reading this, then I would like to offer my sincerest apologies. I was an utter ass and you did not like me for it, but you did love me, albeit unwillingly. That love is probably the source of your grief and you do not deserve the pain. My death has almost nothing to do with you and yet it is an event that has happened to you. No doubt you must be thinking that I did this just to continue being an inconvenient asshole, even at the end. I can assure you though that, if I am dead by my own hand, I was not thinking of you at all. I did think of you almost continuously in the times that I decided to not kill myself though. Your grief and anger kept me from jumping over the edge because I actually like and love you. I do not wish you pain in any form. That remains true even in my death. However, if I did kill myself successfully, then I did it for me, so you were probably not in my thoughts at all. Buck up though, you will find that your grief will pass quickly after you get my money and realise, I will no longer be inconveniencing you with my presence. Grief passes, always.

To my friends who might also be feeling confused, angry, and pained… well… what can I say? We discussed this numerous times and I just happened to reach the finish line first. I am truly sorry for your pain. I have no glib comments for you because I do truly love you but it all just got too much. I am sorry. And you know, you don’t even get my money to help with your pain – because I will always be ridiculously loyal to my family and my will says it all goes to them – so you got the rawest deal out of all of this. What do you know, I did have a glib comment in me after all.

The second reaction to my suicide would be from the people who do not give a shit and that is literally everyone else except for my 13 family and friends. I do not have to go into details with this because similarly, I also do not give a shit.

I can only hope that I do not exist anymore after my death. That the suicide truly did put an end to my pain and that my consciousness does not persist. Anything else would be extremely cruel, regardless of whether I am in a better place or not. If my peace ever meant anything to you, then find comfort in the knowledge that this is what I wanted and have been wanting for decades now. After all, while other people accomplished wonderful feats, I only seemed to be trapped in a cycle of questioning why I was still alive and had yet to kill myself. It seemed like my only purpose in life and now I have finally achieved it.

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Written by Gamma Squad Rules (1)

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