Notes from someone in recovery.

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There’s a common saying by one of my favorite preachers, Joyce Meyer, it says that you can run all you want but you can never run from yourself. I was a teenager when I first heard this and wondered how one can run from themselves. We are ourselves, in our assigned bodies so unless one is dead, I thought, one can never leave themselves. It just hit me recently as I started the journey of recovery from depression that I have been running from myself, my whole life so far, so afraid to look at myself fully, so terrified of within me that I run without really knowing. This is a journey of mental health and discovering that I need to know who I am.

Before I joined the university, I went through a lot of stress and trauma in my vacation. I didn’t know what to do with it at the time so I swept it under the rag, joined the university now that I was in a new place, I could begin new with no baggage. However that didn’t work out well as I went through one of the worst depressions I had ever had, I was constantly leaving in fear, fear that I would be abandoned, fear that people would see the real me, fear that there was just something wrong with me. Something I can’t fix. Always suppressing my emotions because I felt unworthy to be myself. Accepting to be treated unfairly by people who were supposed to be safe because I thought if they were treating me badly it’s must be caused by me because there was something wrong with me.

I hid my pain, even when it was unbearable. I settled for crumbs from people who I gave my all, I lost strength to do the things that really mattered to me because I directed my efforts to places I wasn’t accepted and valued. I reached a point of worthlessness, putting my literal life on the line just to be accepted by people who never accepted me. And yet after all this I realized was a form of running from myself, afraid to love myself because of how I was treated by others in the past. I was scared to look with in because of all the hurt and pain I carried. I wanted to please everyone but myself because I felt worthless and wanted to earn my worth from making others happy.

I am on the journey of healing now, I don’t consider myself as a mental health expert however mental health has a lot to do with how we view ourselves. It has a lot to do with how we relate with ourselves and normally identity is a core issue of most of the mental disorders and illnesses like anxiety, depression, insomnia, anorexia… etcetera. Thinking back to what I went through a year ago, I am starting to feel different from that girl, the me then. I don’t blame her, neither do I despise her but I applaud her for her perseverance and her relentless effort to get better. So I consider this essay as me writing to my 20 year old self and anyone who has gone through a similar experience. So here goes,

Dear Me, firstly there’s no need to starve yourself to be accepted by them because that’s not what causes true connection. If they were really your people, you wouldn’t feel like you had to change to be seen. Changing yourself will not make them love you anymore than they do now.

Also, whenever you feel overwhelmed or anxious don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t work harder otherwise you’ll burn out. Talk to someone safe, a professional to be precise as to why you have so much anxiety in some social situations don’t wait until you can’t get out of bed.

Dear Me, I know you recently stepped in a new role of leadership but please make sure to take care of yourself, don’t work till late otherwise you’ll burn out. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone as long as you are doing your best. Please don’t work till late, have breaks. Don’t work in the evenings or during lessons. Switch off your phone after 7pm and pick it up to work at 9pm. This will help with your peace of mind and good sleep. You’re so young, stop being so burdened by things that won’t matter a year from now.

If you’re going through depression already, slow down and ask yourself why. And the answer is hurtful, I know because I asked myself the same question too late. Don’t wait until it’s late, ask now because hardcore truths can be a key to recovery. After getting the answer, please get help not from peers but from a professional who can help you without any bias. Counselors are really good by the way; they have the right approach and sometimes the answer. I came to see a counselor three months after the year of depression and can I tell you I have learnt to regulate my thoughts and learnt not to suppress my emotions. I have learnt something they call self-compassion where you hug yourself and talk kindly to yourself.

Dear me from a year ago, I am not mad at you tolerating what you shouldn’t have, instead I sympathize. I encourage you to hug yourself, to speak and deal kindly with you even though others haven’t. Learn to love yourself in the face of hate and loving yourself may look like choosing to believe the best of you even when everyone is seeing that. Leaving places that are toxic to preserve your health and peace of mind. Walking away from opportunities that look captivating but are pulling you further away from who you are and who you want to be, loving yourself isn’t always fun or easy, ending relationships with people you love but are harmful to your mental health can be painful and oh Lord, you will grieve however the sun is brighter on the other side. Loving yourself can also look be doing the things you love to do like buying books or eating enigmatic meals. Please go to the movie date you promised yourself don’t postpone it anymore.

Also, dear me a year ago, don’t put off going to a therapist any longer, go and talk to someone please, you have a lot of undealt with trauma that you need to confront and maybe life won’t hurt as much anymore.

Last but not least, I would like to tell you that you do matter. I want to you to know that you don’t have to hide your tears, your joy, your frustrations. Don’t suppress your emotions because your afraid of other people being uncomfortable by your pain. You deserve to be heard and accepted even on days when you are angry, too excited or sad. Suppressing your emotions can destroy you on the inside so make sure to let them out.

Written by

Martina Nagasha

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