Nambaziira Leticia
No matter how I think about it, my biggest regret is never getting a chance to express my true feelings for my first love. I am a coward, you see, so I will call him Storm, majorly as a representation of every feeling he has ever evoked in me.
Storm is dark-skinned, fairly tall, and he lies more on the slim side. I always feel proud while standing beside him. Am not sure whether it is because the way he towers above me makes me feel safe or the way he looks down at me makes me feel like a little girl despite my age.
However, there are words that I have never dared to say to him, and the only way I could ever utter them is undeniably through this letter. Storm, this is my unwritten letter to you.
Till this day, I still hate the sight of your back because it reminds me of the time you left when I needed you the most. I hate myself more for foolishly holding onto your empty promises of a future together, and I hate both of us for not having the courage to be honest about our feelings.
I despise every time you have told me I have grown into a tough young lady when you never even gave me a chance to be your little girl. But maybe what I actually despise is not being able to tell you that it is just a façade, put up by this little girl in order to survive this world without you. I hate the fact that I have never heard one word of approval from you. I want to blame you for my constant inferiority simply because I have never heard you say you’re proud of me.
I struggle with the fact that both you and mom moved on without me and started your own families. Why am I the only one that was left behind, grappling with the pain of the past? I am not asking for explanations but acceptance, which I know I will never get.
My biggest letdown, however, is how I desperately search for my first love in every man around me, but to no avail. You denied me the perfect example of what true love feels like, and you sent me into this cruel World to find out on my own. How did you expect me to solve all the complexities of this life without your guidance? Even teachers in school are not cruel enough to let me solve the bulldozer mathematical formula on my own at first try.
Well, I guess I blame my stubborn heart for holding onto you. Dear Storm, Your tough little grown-up will forever be damned to love you and your cold, ruthless heart.
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