A STORY IN MY TORTURED HISTORY

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Relationships don’t always come in neat little packages

I mean, ours came wrapped in total bullshit

But really, it was lovely.

The way I spared my pride and gave your luck of interest an explanation,

The way you looked at me with detest this minute then the other you wanted me to promise you that we would die together,

The way I let you rest in my bed and always tucked you in because you felt uncomfortable in your domicile,

The way we laughed worse than raccoons and our laughter was echoed,

The way everybody said you were insane which made us a pair,

The way you chose my ex-brother over me just because you are the same,

The way we were honest and kept hurting each other,

The way you wrote and called me your bloody project and you had the guts to later on deny it,

Really, it was lovely.

You know I really liked you Patricia

I wasn’t as wise as you or as unfriendly as you

I wasn’t as cute as you let alone principled but I was willing to be there for you no matter what but now I wish we never had to know each other

God knows how much I hated everything human

From the start you wrote that you wrote that there was no close relation between our pasts, you didn’t understand the way I felt, you couldn’t wear my shoes, you couldn’t read my emotions.

Our different experiences moulded us into different people with different attributes

Don’t know why I ever thought I’d heal you

Maybe it was all because of you

You said that you don’t want to lose me, you said I was more than family, you said we’d remain friends, that you fuckin cared about me but Patricia you let me go, you hurt me.

From the moment you started acting like everyone, ignoring me

I knew it was time to say goodbye

I knew you were leaving and that you tired of me

But everything was happening so quickly

I was holding onto something that used to be there hoping it would come back, knowing it wouldn’t

I tried to explain you to myself, to make sense of the way your silence felt louder than words

You made me realize that silence had a sound

You didn’t have to like me, I ain’t no Instagram post

But why did you have to lie to me?

You already knew that we were both ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember what it felt like to have a heart beat

But you’re just so hell bent on running away from yourself

You’re a coward, Patricia

‘Cause it wasn’t the future you were afraid of, it was the fear of the past repeating itself that haunted you

You acted like you were the only one facing your demons yet you couldn’t get your shit together, you were running from yours, dammit!

You didn’t appreciate me

You didn’t really care, you acted like you were forced to

You always had the right excuse

And you hurt me so bad

You made me an option

You were a self-centered punk

And you know what hurts the most?

That I was still willing to accept you that way if only you made me feel like a priority, even just a little bit, Jewel

You never really liked that I cussed too much when pissed or that many people talked to me

You said I built a house of glass and that everyone is attracted to me because of my transparency well fuck you, Among

Because no one really ever saw me

You knew you were hurting me but you just kept at it and inlet you

Now you’re just another story in my tortured history.

Written by

Muhairwe Martha

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