Types of Facebook friends

A boring Sunday afternoon led me to classify all the types of Facebook friends that exist, based on my own Facebook friends. Read through and figure out which type you fall in.

The Non-Responder

This person’s really awesome and talkative in real life, but whenever you post something on their wall, they NEVER respond. Not only that, they seems to respond to everyone else’s comments, just not yours.

The Random Hottie

You have no idea who this person is. You only added them because their profile is on private, and you want to look at their pictures. They know why you added them, and you know that they know, thus making you feel inferior to them. Because of that, it’s less fun to do dirty things to their pictures.

The Stalker

A person who constantly posts on your wall. You respond to this person because you’re nice, but you subtly hint that they’re getting on your nerves. They get this, but they keep on doing it.

The Person With No Wall Posts

This person’s had a Facebook profile for years and they have a ton of friends, yet they have less than 20 wall posts. It’s not like they delete posts: they just never receive them.

The Classmate

This person might have added you, or you might have added them. Either way, you two have never talked, but you took a class together so that makes you friends.

The Girl That Deletes Your Wall Posts

You can have a nice, humorous wall-to-wall conversation with this girl, but the next day, most of her or your posts are gone. Why? Because she’s The Girl That Deletes Your Wall Posts.

The Subliminal Status Guy

Leaves subtle messages in his status directed towards someone, most likely an ex. They think it has an effect on whoever it’s directed to, but that person probably never ends up reading it. That, or they don’t understand that it’s for them.

The Status Abuser

This person updates their status every hour. Apparently they want the world to know when they’re in class, eating, reading, watching television, having sex, or sleeping, and so on. In conclusion, this person is pretty easy to kill considering you know where they are at all times, so go for it. It’d be their fault anyway.

The Group Quitter

You probably have multiple group quitters as friends. They join a bunch of stupid groups, then, they decided to leave them all one day. It fills up your news feed, preventing you from knowing what else is going on in the Facebook world. Usually, this person is someone you just recently friended.

The Camera Phone Photographer

Takes the crappiest pictures ever, probably because they use a phone to take pictures. Because we all know that phones were meant to take pictures, not cameras.

The Orgasmic Photographer

Has 100,000,000 pictures times ten.

The Drunk-Only Friend

Someone you met at a party. They seem awesome, and you talk to them frequently on Facebook, and at other parties. But when the two of you are together, and sober, it’s like awkward central.

The Random Drunkards

This person you friended the day after a party. You never talk to this person because you are waiting for them to acknowledge that they remember you. They almost certainly do remember you, but they also have doubts about you remembering who they are.

The Secret Couple

Two of your friends who are obviously in a relationship, yet, according to Facebook, they’re both still single.

The (Non) Studier

This person’s status always involves hardcore studying. Yet, they find the time to go on Facebook and update their status.

The Poker

This person pokes everyone like it’s their job. They claim they can “beat” you in a poking war because it’s so funny and cool.

facebook-poking

The Once A Month Poster

Originally, you thought you were good friends with this person, but when you post something on their wall, they’ll completely ignore it. Weeks later, they’ll randomly ask you how things are going, or make a statement that totally avoids your last comment. If you decide to respond to them, they won’t respond for another few weeks, or maybe even ever.

The Wall Flooder

The Wall Flooder shares several mutual friends with you. The only difference is that all of your mutual friends’ walls are filled with posts from this person.

The Person Who Seemingly Doesn’t Like You

Weeks after you request this person to be your friend, they finally add you. They skip the friend details section and don’t bother to post on your wall. One day, you eventually decide to post on their wall, but you never get a response. Ever.

The Model

This is a rather attractive person who seems pretty cool. They talk to you and everything until one day when they suddenly release a “model album” which makes you cream your pants. Now, whenever you try to communicate with them, they ignore you.

The Wannabe Model

This person has multiple albums full of “model” pictures. Most of these pictures has them posing with a chair. It’s almost hilarious, but the amount of embarrassment you feel for them cancels out all humour.

The Slut

This person has several pictures, which define sex. Sometimes they’re borderline sexual, but they fill your mind with dirty thoughts, and you keep craving more, and more. This person’s like a drug.

The TMI Guy

This guy posts way too much personal information on other peoples’ walls. On occasion, his status will reveal that he’s masturbating to Jessica Simpson. You usually can’t tell whether he’s lying or telling the truth, but for some hard reason, you find it hard not to believe him.

The WTF Guy

This person is most likely on every single drug in existence. Every single statement they craft, and post on Facebook generates the response of, “What the fuck,” by the reader.

The Conservative

Whenever you post on this person’s wall, they choose to message you their response instead of posting it on your wall. Maybe it’s against their religion. But maybe it’s because they’re The Conservative.

The Wonder Wall

This person has an insane amount of wall posts. You’d figure that several Wall Flooders contributed to the colossal wall, but you’d be better off not checking. If you did so, you’d be in an old folks home by the time you’re finished.

Outdated Picture Guy

A: This person hasn’t changed their profile picture since the day they were born. People take note of this and tell the person to change it, but they refuse to.
B: This person has a profile picture from the fifth grade. Either they can’t find a newer picture, or they think it’s cute, which it isn’t.

The Alcoholic

In everyone single one of this person’s pictures tagged by themselves, or others, they’re holding some sort of alcoholic beverage. You’d ask them to consider help, but you think it’d be funny to see a college student die from alcohol poisoning. Which isn’t wrong, by the way. It’s pretty funny so don’t recommend them help.

The Girl Who Knows All Your Friends

One day, this girl adds you as a friend. At first, you’re like “Who the hell is this girl?” But you add her anyway. You look through her friends list and see that she knows almost all of your male friends. Eventually, you learn how she’s related to all your friends, but you never see her in person, and you never will.

The Guy With No Wall

This guy’s on Facebook every day, has his information filled out to the extreme, is a member of countless groups, and constantly updates his status, but he disables his wall. There are probably a few of these people on your friend’s list. There’s no actual explanation for this, maybe it’s a trend.

The Celebrity

This person obviously isn’t your friend. Assumably, they’ve never even acknowledged you. They might be an actual celebrity, but it’s more than likely a fake account. Either way, you have a celebrity as a friend, and that’s all that matters.

The Guy With No Picture

This guy has a question mark for a picture, and that, indeed is the question.

The Pimp

This dude’s friend’s girl to guy ratio is 98:2. The thing is, half the girls he has as friends don’t even know him. Another thing is he deletes most of the guys from his friends list. He’s a pimp, but not.

The Guy Looking to Get Assassinated

This guy has every single piece of personal information in his profile. His address, phone number, dorm room, social security number. This guy’s just looking to become a victim of identity theft.

The High School Enemy

This person gave you shit all throughout high school. One day, they decide to friend you. You accept, but don’t say anything to you. In return, they don’t say anything to you. This pattern continues on for all eternity.

The R.A.

This guy doesn’t speak unless spoken to. Whenever you post something on his wall, he responds almost immediately with an ultra cool response, and continues ignoring you. It makes you feel good, but at the same time it demolishes your self-esteem.

The Emotional Wall Writer

Randomly posts on girls’ walls thanking them for the impact they’ve had on their lives, or something along the lines of that. On average, the length of their posts ranges from one to two paragraphs.

The Group Whore

I think you can figure this one out.

The Facebook Addict

Appears to be online 24/7. Every time you log on, the news feed is filled with activities performed by this guy. You’d think he never goes to class, but he claims he does. He really doesn’t.

The One Liner

Responds to your posts with hilarious one-liners that make them seem like a god. How they come up with their one liners shouldn’t be questioned, just accepted.

The Movie Quoter

Randomly posts on random peoples’ walls, random quotes from random movies. A rather entertaining person, but rather annoying as well.

The Person You Don’t Remember

A person who you randomly added as a friend, one night when you were drunk. Deep inside, you know who this person is, but you can’t remember who they are, and you never will.

Ms. Weight Gain

If you look through this girl’s pictures, you’d notice that she’s forty pounds lighter in her very picture, compared to her most recent picture. The time span in between the oldest picture and the newest one isn’t very big either.

The Ultra Hottie

This person isn’t added as a friend. Usually, they’re a friend of a friend. You discovered their profile while reading someone’s wall, or going through someone’s friend list. As soon as you see their picture, you stop everything you’re doing and click on their picture, only to discover that their profile is on private. You then utter the word, “damn.”

The Cartoon Picture Guy

Has a stupid cartoon image as his profile picture. It usually represents an inside joke that only him, and a few select friends understand.

The False Information-er

This person’s profile is loaded with fake information. Their graduation year is wrong, their birth year is wrong, their hometown is wrong, and their residence location is wrong.

The Mystery

This guy doesn’t have any actual personal information filled out. Instead, he has “Get to know me and find out” for everything. Too bad no one will ever take the time to find out because it just isn’t worth it.

The Victim

Person whose profile often falls victim to cruel room-mates or friends who constantly edit their profile to make them seem ridiculous. Several times, their profile picture is changed to a porn star, their interests include ridiculous activities such as BDSM, and their movies include scandalous porn titles.

The Gangster

Total BA. This guy’s all about money, ho’s, cars and whatnot. In all of his pictures, he has a huge wad of cash, and he includes a dollar sign in between every single letter in his information.

The Fake Gangster

He’s white.

The Wasted Talent

This person comes up with witty and hilarious comments, but they’re not as funny because this person’s grammar blows ass. Every time you read something by them, you start to smile, but it ends up turning into an hour-long cry.

The Sticky Letters Fanatic

Every single word in this person’s profile is in sticky format. Some of them also have stupid *’s and ~’s in random places. Most of these are girls.

The Guy With Relationship Problems

Every single day of this guy’s life, his relationship status changes. You want to say something to this guy, but the guy’s actually Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he’ll terminate you. And you don’t want that. Believe me.

The Fan of Their Own Race

90% of this person’s friends happen to be the same race as them. It’s possible that they went to a single-race school, but it’s actually not. This person doesn’t even know half of their friends.

Mr. Facebook OCD

This guy’s on Facebook every single time you check to see which of your friends are currently on Facebook.. If you know what I’m talking about, you’re actually Mr./Mrs. Facebook OCD. Suckerrrrr.

The Person Who Can’t Wait For The Weekend

Every Thursday, this person updates their status to, “I can’t wait for the weekend.” However, they don’t state a reason why. Too bad this person fails at life. Otherwise, someone might care.

The Not Too Hot-tie

‘Nuff said.

So, what category do you fall in? If you think there are some I might have skipped, feel free to share them in the comments section below.

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Denzel is the radio show presenter on The Shuffle, 10-2pm on 94.8 X FM, Tv Show presenter on House Party airing every Saturday on Urban Tv and DJ at Rock&Rolex

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