Hello my love,
How are you doing? It’s been a while since we talked and that is my fault. I have been so mad at you. You see, I kept waiting for Karma to do her thing on my behalf but like I’m sure you know; I’m not that patient. So you know what I did? I got a pet. Can you believe that? Me?!
Anyway, it’s nothing fancy. I got a cockroach.I saw a cockroach a week ago and it reminded me of you. It was so fascinating to me, the similarities between you and that flat brown bug that just won’t quit. As I watched it scurry across the white tiles of my living room (in the presence of my bewildered guests), I was reminded of the time you embarrassed me in front of our friends.It was your 26th birthday and I had been looking forward to it for at least three months. Unknown to you, I had wholeheartedly pinched pennies and I was able to organize a surprise party for you at our then favorite restaurant. I couldn’t wait to show my tall, ripped, handsome man to everyone. Honestly, my friends were jealous and I had been hearing it in their tones as they helped me wrap the gifts I had so carefully selected for you my love. Gifts that I ended up giving the waiter at the restaurant when you did not show up. To this day, I avoid that restaurant like a plague. I really loved their chicken stew, so thank you for that.
Anyway, I digress; my pet’s name is Cocky. I have to admit my love, Cocky is not a very creative name but what creativity does a cockroach inspire? That’s another similarity between you and Cocky; zero creativity. Did you know that cockroaches don’t build nests? They just congregate in random dark places and exist. Does that lifestyle sound familiar? I thought it might. Oh, here’s another fun fact for you; cockroaches spread so many diseases including leprosy- a disease that the World Health Organization declared effectively eradicated about 15 years ago. In spite of this, those little determined creatures still manage to carry the germ somehow. Their industriousness in seeking out afflictions brought back memories of our relationship my love. Like Cocky and his ilk, you were relentless in seeking out the next new infection and I was left to play “guess the disease” every two months. A customized variation of Russian roulette. It wasn’t all bad though, at least it strengthened my relationship with my God. I thank you for that.
Like you, Cocky doesn’t do much. He spends most of his time sleeping, mating with another cockroach I named Cockella and together, they contaminate surfaces. I know you must be wondering why I haven’t got rid of the happy family yet but I’m getting to that. I thought about squishing them with the milk white sneakers you bought me but those shoes are awesome. I came up with a solution though. After I send this letter to you, I am picking up Cocky, Cockella and their eggs and I’m going to gift them to the neighbour’s chicken in memory of our antibiotic filled relationship. I thought it would be a nice touch since I was sharing you with my neighbour.
This was supposed to be a love letter.I miss your tattoos but please don’t call me again.