So we make plans and God laughs. He really did laugh at me in this case point scenario. Let me get straight at it. I was at my local. I know, I know, don’t judge! The weirdest shit happens when I’m there. It was a random Saturday, sun was showing off and I was there for good vibes, Alone! I’m sitting at my regular spot biting my shawarma and drinking my 5$ gin as usual, with store bought coca cola and I’m literally just chilling. The regulars all say hi, from time to time. I’m on my phone scrolling through twitter madness and vibing to some old school. That’s when I met him. From the moment I walked in, he was on me. He waved, I waved back. He complemented my smile, I said thanks. Then he walked over. I could tell he was Tanzanian by his smooth, eloquent Swahili. You know, the one that teachers made us write on Inshas. He was fair skinned, well-groomed beard that framed his face, and a muscular and well-defined physique. His muscles made the t-shirt he wore hug him with the occasional nipple view. I guess, guys don’t do vests as much these days. He was perfect! In 2023 language, that means a walking red flag. He was sipping his whisky, as he spoke to me and I had to distract myself with his dimples, cause the mere smell of whisky makes me nauseous.
“I don’t get it though, a beautiful girl like you, sitted all by herself. Are you okay?”
Well, another day, another person wondering why I’m all by myself. Like guys? It’s never that serious. People drain me at times. And, hanging by yourself is vibes. Seriously trust me. Anyways, back to story.
“I actually enjoy it, “
“No, no. In this world, I highly doubt that. Especially when drinking, you need someone on standby,”
I rolled my eyes and just laughed. Contrary to his belief, my experiences have taught me, that having yourself on standby is actually the best type of company.
“Come join our table, let’s mingle and have some of the sea food that’s coming,”
I heavily declined. Like, heavy on the decline. Its just weird. I come join him and his friends right when their food is arriving. Like, way to say you’re a hungry bitch! Plus I was good, I’d just eaten my lovely, juicy, spicy shawarmas and I was stuffed. He tried convincing me, but I declined. In fact, one of his friends who is a regular there shouted and told him, “This mama is always by hanging with herself. When the music gets boring, she pulls out her airpods and she stretches out her legs and basks. Trust me, many have tried!”
I literally laughed out loud and wondered how predictable I’d become. To the point, my moves were mastered. He resumed to his chair and I kept doing my thing. A part of me was like, if he asks for my number, I’ll try give it a shot. Cause out of experience, I had tried this exchanging numbers thing. Its just a whole lotta texting with no conversation. As it started getting dark, he came up to me and told me he was leaving and of course, he asked for my number. No, not asked, he pleaded. I gave in. He’s those types who take your number, and call you immediately, as they tell you how to save their number as. He reached out for a hug and left. Two minutes later, he called. You know what, men, if you’re reading this, it’s actually a good thing, something you should try, to text if it’s not that serious. Or ask if you can call. Please, Africans, please.
I hung up, and texted him to text instead. He insisted that he wasn’t such a texter but a caller. Well, at least now I knew. Surprisingly, as the days continued, we developed a good chemistry. He was the type to hold a conversation down for hours. I literally passed out once at night on call. Our conversations ranged from all sorts of topics. He was insightful, brilliant, funny and oh, the voice. Like, was this really headed somewhere? Well, one thing about my God, my Jesus he never plays when it comes to me! I always say this prayer of, shield me from people or things that might end up fucking me up in future. So two weekends later, he asked to meet me. He said he missed me, he wants to see me again and all that shit, you descendants of Adam say. I had no plans, so I agreed. Plus it was beginning of September, I literally just wanted to be outside. I got dressed up in a cute way. There’s this little green asymmetrical skirt I have that turns heads..so I was like show them thighs girl! We outside! All this effort for..anyway!
He was having his car washed along Ngong Road, a place that has a prominent club and side local on the same compound. He was elated to see me and showed me off to his two friends who were there. I shyly said hi, honestly, I don’t know what that shy part of me is all about. It’s weird. He signalled the waiter to bring me a bottle of the famous Captain called Morgan and some Coke as well. The soda okay, not the powder! Our chats had nothing to do with anything we spoke on, it was a continuous cycle of how my thighs and chest were confusing him. Like? Talk to me about the sun, or worldcoin or fucking Donald Trump! My body! My body! My body! He just wanted to touch them, like I could see his eyes falling all the time. Well, there came the realization that this was just a blood thirsty nigga who played it nice just to try get to my pants. I figured him out early, and started thinking of ways to ditch him. One of his friends had his birthday that day, and he suggested we head out to HIS HOUSE, for a party. I said no. I said, I had other plans and I was just passing by before I met my “friends ” later in the evening.
“Friends? Tell them to come, we can make it, juicy!” He said giving me a wink.
Okay, that’s how your destiny gets trapped. In swahili, “hivyo ndio nyota yako huibiwa!” Call me superstitious y’all, I don’t care. You just don’t give it to anybody. Then I drag my imaginary friends to the mix! Haiibo! I respectfully declined. Told him, I was not up for having sex with him, and if that was his intention all along, I wasn’t into it. Okay truthfully, in all honesty, no judgement, if we’d have bonded over more or less the same things we were chatting about on phone, I’d have given up the cookie! But like, later, like a week later. Oh Lord, help us Sinners! He was shocked at how articulately and confidently I said it. He tried to hush me down.
“No, no, Wangari, I just meant, drinks and some MJ,”
“No, I’m good. I have to go, ”
He grabbed my hand and sat me down, apologising for coming off as strong and said that, we would go down to the club if home made me uncomfortable. I was in a party mood that day and I was like, anyways! Kaende! KAENDE! He suggested we go to that Club named like a horoscope and since it wasn’t far, I agreed. We jumped in his car, and my oh my! The thirst! Like, I kept telling him, PDA wasn’t my thing. He kept saying Kenyan women are so Conservative. I should try be like the Ugandans ans Americans. Well, if I like you, PDA, comes naturally, if I don’t, I’m a rock at that hard place. He raised his hands in, surrender and agreed
Getting there, I immediately lied I was headed to the bathroom and left. Like, another attempt at giving someone a shot and oh! Oh! Guess where I went, by now you know! The local! He tried calling and calling and babying me through texts, I just wasn’t having it. The night went by, I had my fun and then two days later, I’m at that phase where sleep is slowly coming and he calls. I should have listened to my first instinct, not to pick up, but I did.
“Hello, Lisa?” A female voice on the line.
“Yess?” This is me confused.
“My name is Ari (not her real name), and I found some texts, records of phone calls, between you and my husband,…”
“Husband? Ol’ guy is married yani? “
“Yes, he is. You’re speaking with the wife, and he’s actually here, right next to me.”
At that time, I was like whaaaaat!!! Be mature, Lisa. Don’t trip. Now, point, she was actually really kind and chill through out this conversation.
” Okay, hi?”
” Hi, Lisa. Now for the sake of my family, I’d really like us to do this in a respectful manner. We have a son together, and this to me can’t work. I understand men, are naturally polygamous. So, my suggestion is, if the two of you are serious, we do a formal introduction so that we each know each other…”
” Woh, woh, wait, Ari. Formal introduction..? We just met, and there’s no labels nothing. And if I did know he was married, I wouldn’t have dared,”
” Oh so it’s recent? I thought it was something that’s lasted, cause it seems he really likes you,”
“No, no, no. There’s nothing there,”
” Okay, cause I thought maybe you guys have slept together, and in this Nairobi, its good to know some of these things, so that if incase I get something, I know where it’s from,”
Okay Ouch! But she had a point. Luckily, I’d not even kissed the guy, let alone shagg him so I let her know there’s nothing that happened and that will happen.
” Thanks for the clarification Lisa. I’m sorry if this came out of nowhere, but truthfully, I’d been sensing he was having affairs. It’s God, my mighty God who I serve who have me a hunch to check his phone and Alas! So please, I really just want my family to stay my family..”
“Ari, I’m gonna block this man as soon as we end the call, cause I also know boundaries, and married men for me is the biggest one. I’m truly sorry, I didn’t know,”
” It’s okay. Thank you for being very kind and respectful. I know such a phone call isn’t easy. You probably thought you met a nice guy, turns out he’s married. But how you’ve handled this, just wait on God, he will provide.”
Amen! He will provide. Bukayo Saka maybe! Cause I can agree to be a second wife for only one man, Mikel Arteta, that man is fwiiiiinneeeee!
“That’s okay, no problem. Thank you too, for handling this maturely, and again I’m sorry,”
” It’s not on you. You didn’t know. So, it’s fine,”
“Alright, thank you, good night.” I said
Immediately, I started laughing and just shocked! Like, I’ve heard stories of people being called by other people’s wives. I always took pride in knowing that, it could never be me! Lakini, weuhh! Nairobi will humble you! I appreciate how civil, respectful and cordial Ari was, and I too, handled it great, I think. But ol’ guy, really? Anways, another lesson learnt, hii kanairo, as Mejja says, “Ndio maana me hukaa pekee yangu tu, hapo nyuma na pombe yangu tu! ”
Eh lol! Oh yeah and I blocked the nigga!