New Skill: Staring down babies. 100% success rate to-date.
1. Getting babies to do what you want, like STFU, eating food, sleeping, shitting in the potty, dressing themselves up and basically doing adult stuff…. I’ve not yet succeeded at this, but I’m experimenting with different staring techniques and I’m sure I’ll crack this one soon. So far, I’m working on the theory that different stares will work for different purposes. Then parents everywhere will buy my book and DVD tutorial about it, and I’ll be super rich.
2. In the future, one super intelligent baby, probably called Bosco or some such name, will realise that growing up sucks. Bosco will rally all the other babies in a revolution and convince them not to grow up. The world will come to a standstill coz all adults will age and there’ll be no babies growing up to do the adult stuff that sucks. Parents everywhere will also be miserable because their babies have rwefused to grow and need constant taking care of. Economies will crash because we all know babies are expensive to take care of and as a result the price of nappies will skyrocket and disorganise the stock exchange. The UN will organise talks with the babies but the adults will keep on losing because the babies keep on doing that creepy stare of theirs and spooking the UN chaps. This is where my special skill set comes in. I’ll be brought in as a muchuba to stare down the babies delegation while the UN negotiators finally convince the babies to grow up and do the crappy adult stuff. I’ll be paid mob dime for my services to humanity and will retire to my private island where I’ll eat rolexes peku I clock.
Please note that this revolution will only take place if I fail in my baby-control-by-staring research (worry not, I’ll get a fancy sounding scientific name for it soon) The world’s fate therefore lies on the success of my research so handle me with care.