I have never been in love before. I have never felt that exhilarating high and crashing low that the fall into love apparently brings. I have never experienced the recklessness and bravery nor the fear and despair that comes with the fall.
I have never experienced the fall but since I met you I have a feeling that’s going to change.
I was intrigued the first time I saw you. You are so different from me in the most masculine way. Tall where I am short. Large where I am petite. As strong as Thor where I am gentle as Freya. Outgoing where I am shy. You were the life of the party and your confidence drew others too you. I felt like a moth drawn to your flame but my shyness kept me at just the edge of your circle. Then you looked at me and your eyes seemed to say to me ‘I see you’ as if they could see my true spirit, the very core of me and i felt shaken to the core. Yes i remember that first attraction, that first spark that started me on this path to the cliff.
Then you spoke to me and I was amused because only a moron would try such a ridiculous line and expect it to work, and i know you agree because every time I bring it up, you cringe and beg me to shut up.The very next day, after hounding my friends for my number, you called and told me ‘ I probably made an ass out of myself last night, but am not giving up. You are going to be worth it’ and my heart skipped a beat…or several and I thrilled at the start of the chase.
I got hooked to you when I got to know you better. When I realised mentally, spiritually, intellectually you mirror me in the most masculine way, when I could swear that what you say is the echo of my deepest thoughts and my deepest wishes, dark or light. You are as blind as I am in this world but I am no longer afraid figuring it out as long as am with you.
I was pulled further down this path, against my will, when I was in a snit, one of many I am famous for and you got so fed up with my mood you dragged me to Aristoc and let me meander around, because you knew nothing could pull me out of that mood like being surrounded by the smell of new books and the chance to pick any that caught my fancy. Even I didn’t know that could pull me out of it and it frightened me that you already knew me so well even better than i knew myself and I withdrew from you and tried to build my walls up again…but you wouldn’t let me,you shoved your way through every time i tried to.
I knew I was in trouble that night we were at the club and with the music pounding around us, and the alcohol in our veins letting our guards down, I looked at you and all I could think was ‘my gosh this man is sexy. I want him so much’. For the first time I fully understood that you were a man and I was a woman and this connection, these invisible strings that entangle us so thoroughly, this heat that would soon turn into an inferno could not, would not be ignored. I stood up and danced for you slowly, sensually. I rolled my hips and made sure my movements called to you like a siren to the doomed sailor because I was just as helpless to you call and I wanted to drive you as crazy with lust as you do to me…and I did.
I understood that real danger of falling in love with you when UMEME struck again at your place and we were on the balcony and we looked at the night sky. I opened up about my slightly obsessive passion for the stars and all that is undiscovered in the universe. You quietly listened as I went on for hours and it is only after, when I lay in your arms that night, I worried that I had shown you too strange a side of me and you would not like that side of me and I would never be myself fully with you.Then I caught you the very next day googling information on the celestial beings and since then I have not been afraid to show my little quirks and I have never felt more like myself than when I am with you.
I started to suspect this could be a bit worrisome when I saw that woman eyeing you at the supermarket and she pretended not to see me holding your arm(the witch),the ugly feelings of inadqueancy, jealousy and resentment because she was beautiful woman and I wondered why on earth you were with me. I suddenly realised my crazy was coming out and I would no longer be liable for my actions if that woman attempted to chat you up because you were mine and I was going to fight for you whatever came our way,pretty women or life’s unfair hits.
I drew closer to that cliff when I got that promotion at work and you were so happy for me…I know cause you were doing that happy dance with the slightly girlish shrieks when you get a new assassin’s creed game or when Arsenal finally wins a match. I looked at your moronic dancing and I felt the joy of someone cheering me on in my corner after so long fighting on my own and I felt the burden weigh so much less on my shoulders.
I stand at the edge of this cliff now and I look down into the dark chasm below, it is terrifying the way I feel with one foot off the cliff dangling in the air. I cannot see what is at the bottom and the unknown frightens me. I am at the edge of a great discovery and I don’t know how this will end, with broken bones or soaring flight. With tears or with the inner peace that comes witha long time love but I feel your hand holding mine your strength, your warmth seeping into my skin and I know you are going to be worth it all…I smile and i take the leap.
I finally experience the fall.