THE FALLACY OF ONLINE DATING

Allow me to start this with the disclaimer that lots of people find true love online.

But boy is it hard!

Truth is most of us spend a lot of our time on social media and make so many connections here. You’d think this should make it even much easier for people looking for serious relationships to find them on social media and groups where we spend a lot of time interacting with strangers. But eh?

I saw a post in Mama Tendo where someone was suggesting that they get a date where singles can gather in the hope of finding their soulmates looking for joyful marriages and the only thing on my mind was “well, good luck with that.”

As a person who has tried to hookup friends and customers in a digital community for the past one year or two, I’ll tell you it’s much harder than it appears and it mostly never works. Here is my experience.

1. There are no men!

There’s just no other way to put it but the men you think you want are not there. It doesn’t make sense to me either considering I also have male friends who are not married, but they are not interested in “joyful marriages”, the whole concept of a “joyful marriage” also appears to be an illusion. This is not to say there are no joyful marriages at all, but it’s not quite the way we conceive it before we get married.

My point is men don’t appear to be interested in these things the way women want them. This is not a principle, it’s just a personal observation. So for every 10 girls who are looking for this “joyful marriage”, you’ll be lucky to find more than 1 or 2 men looking for it with the same seriousness. So this will end up like a gathering of women looking for men in a place where there are no men. At least not the men they are looking for.

2. Not the men you’re looking for.

When the women gather like this, they actually attract men, but not the men they hoped to attract. All the married men and single fathers will catch wind of this and tell each other like wolves that “look, there’s a flock of unsuspecting sheep gathered at the hilltop across. Would you like to check them out?” They will come and feast on you one by one until they’ve had their fill and go away.

At first, some women will hold firm on their moral high grounds, insisting they are only interested in men who are interested in “joyful marriages”, but soon or later, they’ll be hit by the cruel reality that has invariably proved that these men just don’t seem to exist anymore. Believe me, I am aware of how pessimistic I sound when I say this, but sadly it appears to be very consistent with the reality I have observed.

The few of the available men that are genuinely interested in “joyful business” are actually not very appealing to the women for a couple of reasons including;

(i) Age.

They are too young for a serious relationship. At least that’s what the women will say. Or too old for meaningful companionship.

(ii) Financial status.

Bambi they are still kweyiyaring. And the way women hate this category of men. They’ll pretend that all they care about is love and affection but the moment they smell that one bambi mpale enywera miguwa they flee like they’ve seen a leper.

Now the irony is, even these men who are snubbed tend to snub the women who have snubbed them. These things are too confusing it doesn’t make sense. The boy you don’t like because he’s too young for a serious relationship doesn’t like you either because you’re a single mother and he’s not looking to father children he didn’t sire. The few who seem to show genuine interest later to turn out to only be interested in the financial comfort the women brings to the boy’s life.

The women will insist on waiting for a man who is “responsible” and finically stable. They’ll also throw in some words like “I don’t mind even if he has kids of his own” to widen their dating pool. The only problem is a responsible man who is financially stable is also more likely stable and responsible in another marriage. And if he’s not, then he’s not looking to be tied down by another woman. It’s the reason they left the previous marriage/ relationship. They just want to get laid and that’s about it.

Eventually, most women will make concessions like “half a loaf is better than non.” Then the women who came looking for a “joyful marriage” will end up settling for a blissful entanglement with other woman’s men who have money but just looking for a hustle free leg.

It won’t be long before our sisters in the “kapa  selling” business will also hear about this date thing and intrude the “market” the way they intruded Tinder and start offering their services for a quick dime to the men who don’t want to be bothered with the 90-day dating rule.

Like I said at the beginning, there are people who have found true love online. But I’d advise any woman approaching that arena to proceed with extreme caution and manage their expectations.