I spent the weekend horizontal. Unwillingly so. I generally prefer to be vertical, up (literally) and about. Sleep loves me more than I love it but there was no sleeping this weekend!
I had planned plot. Things to do. People to see. A life to live kwegamba. Yes, my calendar showed me that I was on others but who says I don’t kwewugulaza (play the fool) sometimes?! Anyways… On Friday, the pain gave me an alert…and I accepted that my weekend wasn’t going to go according to plan. I fled to my Mum’s. Little did I know how off-plan it would go!!
Thankfully, I managed to get to my Mum’s in one piece and sober too. But by Saturday morning, I was properly subdued. Wabula endometriosis is a beast!!! I couldn’t sit upright these past two days. Let alone turn in bed without feeling like barbed wire was playing rough games in my insides. I am honestly still surprised by how bad the pain can get. It always feels like it can’t get worse, until it does!
Endometriosis has helped me appreciate life in a way nothing else has (so far). Also, it has made me think seriously about death and my mortality. I am honestly thankful for this. Death seems more attractive because surely what’s the point of pain? I know it serves a purpose and all… (like giving me perspective).
The beauty of Yesu hasn’t made me long for heaven like this pain has! Atte nga Yesu is beautiful banange!! Pain can blur, but it can also give focus.
Anyways…in the throes of pain, I find myself asking God to give me death. It’s a good thing I believe He is good. It’s purely a work of grace to see Him even in this. Especially, in this.
You know how we balokole can say, “pain is not my portion”. .. Eh, it’s been mine and I don’t like it. But I trust that God is upto something. I don’t have to understand it. But I know Him. I can trust Him. I do trust Him. More than I trust anyone or anything else.
Maybe people can understand better when I say I am truly looking forward to surgery (it’s end this month thankfully) . If I were to die in surgery, I die knowing I didn’t die quietly. I went out screaming about Endometriosis. Let’s ENDo the silence people!!
Also, I am so thankful that I do believe in God banange! That I am fully persuaded that He is God and always good. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without God!
The noise I hope to make the loudest – is really about Yesu. When all is said and done, that’s Who and what ultimately matters.
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
– 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 NIV
Like Fernando Ortega sang,
In the morning, when I rise!
And when I come to die, give me Jesus
In life and in death,
Give me Jesus!!