Update your mind about sex

Generally speaking, nothing improves in your life until you change your mind about it, and a lot of us need to revise our preconceived ideas about sex. Unless you are a chronic liar, you will admit that sex is right up there in your marital issues, just below, or even above, financial gymnastics. Perhaps you need to reconsider your stand on a few things.

First of all, sex is not a gift from women to men. You hear women getting all sentimental talking about how they gave themselves to a man and he used them. That is rubbish. Men, and their private parts, are valuable too, and if a man chooses to give you some, it is as much a gift from him to you as yours is. Our sons should not grow up thinking that they have wild oats to sow with whomever. They should know their bodies are also not there for every woman to see and use. They can be hurt, abused and scarred too.

It follows, therefore, that men also use sex to feel close to you, to show you they love you and to develop a sense of intimacy with you. You have told your man that he is in your heart, now he wants to cement that deal by getting into other parts of you. And that is perfectly natural. Men are not merely pursuing an ejaculation – I do not need to remind you that they can accomplish that without assistance in their sleep.

The world, however, would like to paint men as pests, perverts and deviants for wanting sex – even from their wives! Why are you so offended that the man you claim to love and have entered into a lifetime contract with actually wants to have sex with you? Is it because he wants it more frequently than you? Does that automatically make him a deviant? Maybe you’re the deviant for not wanting it more.

Men, on the flipside of that argument, it is okay to touch your woman even when it is not about sex. Hugs, hand holding – there is a reason words like ‘caress’ exist. Don’t you want to run your fingers from her shoulder down to her elbow just to see if her skin is as soft as it looks? Don’t try it on the face, though, you may come away with her foundation. But really, touch outside of sex reassures us that you don’t only smile at us when your other head is excited. We need those reassurances to make the sex meaningful.

Women want, like and pursue sex too. In fact, given that we are second only to pigs in the intensity and variations of what we can experience during sex, we have more of a reason to pursue it for the sake of the feeling. Stop misusing words like ‘loose’ and other slurs to make women feel bad about liking sex. It damages the social psyche so much that some people pretend to dislike it just to maintain their so-called dignity. It also prevents us from seeking ways to enhance and enjoy it with our partners.

On the issue of enjoyment, let’s consider food. Some meals are more extravagant than others, but they are all meals. In a spectrum from caviar to katogo, no one will eat one thing every day. Therefore accept that in the spectrum of sex, there will be explosive days and one-minute days, and it is okay. Some sex is for reminding yourselves that you are still alive and married. Other sex is for taking a weekend away and coming up for air once every few hours. Some cold weather you cuddle; other cold weather you steam up the windows. When you make peace with the idea that the spectrum is normal, you will stop expecting impossibilities and whining about the good old days and you’ll enjoy every encounter for the season it is in.

Last, but definitely not least, use your mouth. Contrary to what your paternal aunts whispered to you before you tied the knot, you are not meant to use your mouth to fake it. You are meant to open your mouth and talk to your partner. Discuss what works and doesn’t work, what times of the month are red hot and what settings make it better. If people do not get honest feedback, how can they possibly change? Now go forth and update to the best versions of your sexy selves.

First published in the Standard, Monday July 22. Img Src: hypeavenue