Linda Koneh the Unfortunate Millionaire.

Over the years, I have received several strange proposals for friendship in my Facebook inbox that have reaffirmed my lingering belief that I am an extremely handsome man. I received one yesterday it  is the first I have received from West African chaps and I felt I should give it some special treatment. It is the usual West African naughtiness so do not expect anything earth shattering but its a Friday and I know you are looking for ways to kill time as you wait for the weekend so lets just dissect this one like we have nothing else to do. I copied and pasted as is and the text in brackets represents my thoughts as I read the missive from my new friend and potential lover. Lets jump into it.

Hello my dearest

(Dearest, already? You don’t waste time Linda. 5 points!)
How are you today?

(Not too bad. Its Furahiday! Life is good)
I am more than happy in your profile.I Know my mail will come as a surprised to you but kindly wellcome me with the love of God ok

(You are happy in my profile? What kind of Juju is this? Have you decided to posses me already? Is this some kind of getting to know you quick shortcut? Come as a surprised to you…it seems I don’t pay attention when watching Bi-Nigeria so forgive me if I don’t get this one either.)
Its a little bit cold over here in Dakar senegal.

(Bambi you. I can imagine that short dress is not helping much. Maybe you should wrap yourself with that furry looking thing instead of sitting on it)
My name is linda koneh from Ivory Coast in West Africa, i am 23yrs old, 5.3ft tall, fair in complexion and presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country.

(Mehn, the refugee camps that side of town look like a sweet deal if your profile picture is anything to go by.)

My late father Dr Oliver Koneh was the personal advicer (May he RIP. I wonder what advicers do though!?) to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood .it was only me that is alive now as the only child and I managed to make my way to a near by country senegal where i am leaving now In this camp .
Its just like one staying in the prison (Call it whatever you want to but it does seem really cozy in there.) and i hope by God’s grace i will come out here soon.i don’t have any relatives now whom i can go to, all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person i know here is Rev.father andrew james who is incharge of the church here in the camp ,

The rev, father’s Tel number is (00221777186091) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me then he will send for me from my hostel to come and speak with you . As a refugee here i don’t have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

(When you get out, I suggest you go all the way back to primary. Your written English should be made illegal with a punishment of a hectic bribe.)

Please listen to this,when my father was alive he deposited some amount of money in one of the leading banks in europe which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $2.3M (Two million three Hundred Thousand Dollars),

(Say, what do advicers do again? I am sure Sevo doesn’t have one of those and I know some chaps on Nasser Road who can get me a Degree in Advicing.)

I have my late father’s Deposit Certificate and death Certificate here with me which i will send to you latter(Those who hesitate Linda…), So i will like you to help me transfer this money (So, the liking me part is like a condition for this go down, no? You guys sure do have a strange way of transacting business! )to your account ( 😀 )and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to your place (Bunti you chick, you are not slow! )in order to further my studies, I kept this secret to people in the camp here because i don’t want to loose the money (Oh dear, we wouldn’t want that to happen! Research from a parallel universes has it that few people like loose money )or my life.

So in the light of above (Light. Ewa?) i will like you to keep it to yourself and don’t tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. (Hmm, gets, kyoka Linda, you didn’t tell me you speak gangsta.)
Remember i am giving you all this information due to my beleive in GOD and hoping that you will not disappoint me.I like honest and understanding people,truthful and hardworking person (Yes, I am all those things and more. I can even show you my CV if you want.).My local language is french but i speak English very fluently. (Judging from your written English, I have my doubts)

can i trust you as a genuine friend ? (BFF’s for sho, for rio rio, agawalayi!)
Meanwhile i will like you(I am still trying to wrap my head around this liking business.) to call me (maybe?) like i said, i have alot to tell you.and i will like you (there it is again. Wabula you can like!) to responds to me with my email below (Eh, you want me to send you your own email address? You must be suffering from some variation of that Rihanna whatsmaname syndrome!)with your information for us to proceed for the transfer to your account so i can come over there in your country after the transfer ok here is my email ([email protected]) and please contact me with my email address (She repeated this. She must be serious.) for security reasons ok send your email address to me ok

Please forward your information below for me to send the bank details for us to proceed ok

1.YOUR FULL .NAME (aka Muwado)AND

INFORMATION DETAILS (I. N. F. O. R. M. A. T. I. O. N)

2. OCCUPATION. (I am just a guy guy like that.)

3. PERSONAL TELEPHONE NO.. (07……..)

Have a nice day and think about my condition here
with love linda koneh

Well Lindah, I will say this of you, you are a very trusting individual. Unfortunately, I am not cut out of the same cloth as you and whereas I am a great admirer of your legs, I do not think we shall be able to work together. Now, your captors might have read this by now and God forbid, you might be dead but if not, I hope I am doing you a big favor by sharing this. If any of you is interested in helping Lindah and her magnificent legs, write her an email or give Rev Andrew James a call. Incase you think I am pulling your leg, check out her Facebook profile here and send her a friend request. Forget whatever you know about friends with benefits, this is the real deal here.

Good Luck.