Forgive me for my crude language, I am sure some are thinking the article title is not befitting of a young lady, but why call a spade a big spoon when you can clearly see it is a spade. This is the reality, and let nobody tell me jack about the pornography law. This is definitely not one of those articles.
So, today while travelling back home in a taxi between a mother, her adorable baby and a guy who stunk like he had last showered during the 1900 Buganda Agreement era, somebody in my Whatsapp group shared an article by Kevin Hart on, “Why Men Cheat on Loyal Women”. Bored, I read it and with each paragraph, I chuckled, torn between amusement and insight into the simple, uncomplicated mind of men (PS: It is quite something, you should all read it.). Anyway, at some point Kevin Hart goes like, “If she stays with us after we prove to her time and time again that we genuinely aren’t strong enough as a man to keep her consistently happy in a relationship, it means she doesn’t really care about us as a man. She only cares about how we make her feel sexually. She is dickdizzy.” Of course the word that stood out to me was dickdizzy. And no, I am no pervert, but you have to admit the idea it presents is an interesting one.
This article also got me thinking about an interview Jill Scott gave back in 2011 about being ‘dickmatized’, which she describes as “the act of getting good sex which leaves you with clouded judgement”. In other words getting caught up in the sexuality of your relationship despite it not going anywhere. I cannot tell you how many times I have had this conversation with my girlfriends over cocktails at happy hour. A typical conversation will go like this,
“Oh my gosh Linda tell us about that hot guy you started dating? How is it going?”
“You won’t believe Sandra. The sex is mind blowing the things that guy can do….Pheeww. Am getting all flustered just thinking about it”
(And yeah, girls do talk about guys like this. Usually there are also giggles, gasps and eye rolling, but you get the picture).
Now imagine a similar scenario about a month later.
“Linda how is the hot boyfriend?”
“The sex is great. He has still got it.”
I am no naïve 18 year old, but even I know relationships are more than just about sex. There are about commitment, fidelity, tolerance, trust, friendship etc. I am ashamed to say that there was a time that I thought that was all that mattered. Now at 24, I am not so sure that was a good idea. There is a fine line between lust and love, so fine that sometimes it becomes blurred that we are unsure where it begins or ends. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure every relationship benefits from good sex, but to have its foundation built on that makes it very shaky.
As a bit of a science geek, I could also attribute this to the hormones oxytocin (cuddle hormone), which makes us lower our defences till our body can’t distinguish whether it is a casual fling or marriage material, dopamine in men (rush of pleasure hormones) and of course serotonin (that hormone that makes you all cheery and glowy after sex).
Of course there are those who are in denial, or are just plain clueless that this defines their relationship. Hopefully, the following characteristics should give you an idea.
- After the panted ‘wows’ and sighs of contentment you find you have nothing else to talk about.
- There is the unusual amount of sex-ting bordering on crazy, time stamps for calls and messages usually commence at 10 pm. You are each other’s booty calls, literally.
- Your idea of spending time together is getting drunk.
- Not having the faintest idea of simple things like each other favourite food, siblings, ambitions, pet peeves.
To quote Jill Scott, “Just somebody giving you the goods, but not necessarily giving you the rest or not expecting the rest from them”.
Who can deny that this whirlwind liaison can be fun with, your emotion topsy-turvy and living on a high. But you have more to offer than your flesh. If all you seek is meaningless sex, then by all means indulge yourself. But if you yearn for more, do not tether yourself to one who does not share that desire. This goes for the blokes too, if you want more out of her than just being her sponsor, puppy and booty call, speak up or suck it up.
Like most things, that roaring passionate flame soon diminishes to a smouldering ash of a dying fire. It will fizzle away to awkward silences that breathe disharmony. You will begin to notice that you are not in sync, their presence alone irritates, the need to fill that emptiness now pokes you as a constant reminder and those pangs of envy every time you see a loving couple become frequent. Frankly I suggest you cut your losses and get the hell out of there. You are putting yourself behind a blockade when you could be out there meeting somebody who sees more.
God made you a unique and beautiful being that deserves all the happiness in the world. You should not allow yourself to settle for less than what will give you contentment.