Seasons Change

10 years and 7 months ago, you wouldn’t have convinced me that I would one day wake up and be grateful for another chance at life. The worst thing that ever happened to me that season was waking up. It was also the first time in my life that I grew scared of being with myself.

For someone who loved her space, I could no longer be in it. I noticed that life was better with my classmates. It was the Year 3 end of the first semester exam period. I had no problem revising alone before, but in that period, I couldn’t. All I had on my mind when I was alone were thoughts about the different possible ways I could end my life.

I dreaded the idea of opening my eyes to a brand new day because it always started with “Why me?” “What have I done wrong?” “What prayers haven’t I said?”

I started staying out of my hostel room longer so that at least I would cry for a short time and sleep off. I also left early because I had decided to stay for my mom, and yet the thoughts didn’t stop. The pain didn’t stop.

That was the first of the three suicidal ideating periods in my life. Two without a single awareness about what mental health is, and the third and last one happened when I was brand new in the mental health advocacy.

One thing I’ve learned from the three periods, just like they are in the past, seasons come and go. The good that I’ve experienced in this season of growth. The friends that unknowingly held my hand and the ones that knew what they were doing. Everything, including understanding emotions, what it means to love and value myself, aren’t things I would have experienced had I gone through with any of the suicidal ideation. Heck, I wouldn’t even have graduated from law school.

I’ve been asked before how I know that I will not ideate suicide again and my answer has been the same – Seasons Change.