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Part 1 |

The days that followed were filled with grief and yearning, an emptiness that cannot be put into words.

I searched for him and I couldn’t find him anywhere. He had been buried in my absence since I had to stay in the hospital to recover from the c/ section, a meaningless pain. It was physical pain, emotional pain and psychological pain

I found myself in a really dark place, even wishing for death for I thought to myself, if I couldn’t be with him in this life I could at least be with him in the next life. It was so bad

My mother said, “You are my child, if you go to the next life to be with your child, what am I supposed to do?” She cried when I cried. I don’t know what would have become of me if she hadn’t been there with me.

After a month or so, I decided to go back to my own home. My spouse was destroyed. We had so many dreams and plans and now we don’t get to see any of them

Nothing is worse than self-blame even when no one blames you. I blamed myself for being unable to bring our son to life, it was my sole responsibility, he couldn’t help me with it and I failed

I failed my son, I failed my spouse, I failed my would-have-been family.

I consequently lost my spouse as well. Our relationship was now tainted with this pain that we were unable to move past. The pain we were unable to be happy again, always mourning

I distracted myself with work.

I am a nurse and my job is to take care of others but with my knowledge of medicine, I had been unable to save my own son.

I blocked away these thoughts and continued working.

I would love to thank my friends Scovia and Eunice for being there for me as I faced my pain and always listening to me. I must have retold the story a thousand times and they always listened.

I buried myself in work and the days slowly passed. Some days were better than others. I cried less, I found a new job and moved to a place where nobody knew what had happened to me. Now it was my private issue. I cried in the night mostly when nobody could see my tears. Over time this pain became a part of me, the new normal had been born and I would never be the completely happy person I had been before.

Later on, I met someone.

I don’t even think I fell in love with him.

On one of our first dates, I found myself telling him everything that I had been through.

I thought of myself as damaged for I could never love someone the way I had loved before.

He wanted to get married and have a daughter and I said yes, I robotically went through the nitty-gritty of marriage and conceived a child.

It was a girl just like he wanted

Throughout this pregnancy, I worried if she would live or if I would fail again

Her name would be Gina Faustine.

Gina was from his mother’s name Regina and Faustine was from Faustina Kwalska which also meant favour.

Time had passed and it was already nine months and the EDD had come

I was too afraid of labour as I had laboured before and it had ended in a stillbirth

This time I walked to the hospital and requested a c/ section making it count number two and now I would never have a normal delivery again

But I didn’t care what mattered was I had a healthy alive baby to go home with.

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Written by Janet Nandutu (1)

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