The Loneliness of Chronic Illness!!

I have spent the last 14 months ignoring the fact that I need another surgery. Only the last 3-4 months have had physical reminders (read episodes of pain) to help unbury my head in the sand of day to day busyness.

The doctors have been clear. Surgery is the only way forward. Naye mama, how many shall a woman have?! Hence my apprehension. I did the crying already and it’s never done.. but the deciding!!

Mbwenu endo! I often forget that I have adenomyosis and even fibroids. The last abdominal ultrasound I had done,  a month ago, showed the chaos in my pelvis.

Chronic illness can make you doubt your sanity. You wonder how long you can really fight…and if it’s worth it. Besides, as I often catch myself saying, “we all are dying”. I do have morbid thoughts of collapsing and dying since I feel like my body organs are under attack and I don’t have the mental fortitude to fight back. I would rather go on living my life and it ends whenever it does.

Part of me knows it’s foolishness to not apply the knowledge one has. To bury my head in the sand. However, the more cowardly part of me figures…there are so many unknowns. And no guarantees. Why not keep the status quo?!

I have prayed and asked friends to pray for me. For courage ….for wisdom and it feels like nothing’s changing. It annoys me when people send me very impersonal messages about healing, claiming mine and all that. I have had to block some. How mechanical can one really be in their belief? God pursues people… not miracles. Any miracles are signs to point us to Him. They are not an end in themselves. I also know God will glorify Himself in whichever way He wills. It could be in perfect health, but it can also be in sickness.

I have come to the realisation that part of what makes chronic illness a harder journey is how little understanding there is. Some well meaning people are so quick to offer what are obvious solutions to them. I have learned not to even bother engaging those I deem unwilling to learn.

Do people really think anyone wants to be sick? Tweddeko banange!! It’s okay to say you don’t understand.

Anyways… I am glad I still believe in God and in a resurrected body. One day, all this will be behind me. No pain. No sickness. One fine day. For now,  may God grant me the grace to trust Him more. To refuse to live in fear and indeed live by faith in Him alone. Wherever and however He leads.

Sheila N Wavamunno

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10th April 2024