RIP Violet Kakai and a call for Men to Stand Up Against Domestic Violence

This story going around on social media of woman who was clobbered by her husband is really depressing. Very depressing and you know what’s more sad and annoying about it, it’s the many people that are coming up with many stupid versions of what happened which might have led to death of such a sweet mother.

Here is what is annoying. On some platforms, I have seen stories mbu, 

“the lady was being dropped by her ex late in night and the husband had been watching for sometime.” 

Another says, mbu the lady had simanyi given the house land title for a loan in the bank and the husband found out” 

Another version mbu “the woman had been working late nga the man is suspicious that she’s having another affair.” 

But people how can we be stupid??? Whoever types such messages is completely foolish and here is why. Such stories of “the woman did this, did that, was doing this, had done that” end up implying that somehow the woman brought this to herself or deserved what happened to her. This is not right. We can’t live this way by pointing at the mistakes of the victims and somehow ignore the perpetrator. We’re trying to look at the woman’s mistakes that led to her cold blood murder but tactfully ignoring the murderer.

People, we’re human beings. No amount of mistake can justify killing the mother of your children. When we start talking that simanyi the woman wasn’t careful enough, simanyi she had been warned to leave but didn’t listen, mbu I hear she had done wrong to trust the man that much’, we’re indirectly supporting this psychopath of a husband, a murderer, a killer. You can’t kill the mother of your children. How do you even start killing a person in the presence of children? Which kind of man is that?? Our efforts and anger at this moment should be to call out this villain and bring him to punishment. We’re not being helpful if we’re spending our time passing around baseless stories of what might and what might not have led to the death of this mother. 

Think about the children. There’s too much domestic violence happening around and the children are always the victims. They’re the first witness at the crime scene but there’s more that happens. The boy sees his father beating his mother, the girl sees her mother taking a beating from her dad. They’re both confused and in future, this affects how they behave. Kwegamba this becomes a cycle. 

It’s like we’re demonically possessed. Everyone is hoping someone else will do something about it. Many of us enjoy talking about it and even put emotions to show how we’re touched but after two days we forget the events and move on. We forget that it’s not over yet and it will come back through our children.

We have to address domestic violence. We have to start doing something about it and you know what that is?Attack the Men. Bring MEN on board to help Men. Revive Men’s councils and organisations that can be powerful to fix men and to bring to book men that are becoming villains in society. You can’t fix men by using women. You can’t fix men by lamenting what they do. Men fix men. Create Men’s Councils. We have to start all the way from the family level, to the community, to the district, to the regional then all the way to the national. We need a place where (us) men can be sat down and talked to or pumped sense into by force.

This society is full of many good Men but they’re keeping quiet while stories of the bad men who have done heinous acts are dominating the media. This is not good for the Boys that are growing up. We have to change the narrative. We have to use such times to talk to every boy that you can’t beat a woman. You can’t fight a woman. You can’t kill a woman. Men don’t do this, Men don’t do that. We have to talk to our sons that when a relationship is not going your way, never be afraid to walk away. You don’t have to prove a point by holding on to someone in a bad relationship. Teach our sons that when an argument breaks out, you must control your temper or even take a walk. A wise man knows when to surrender.

Friends mainly Men, who are passionate about raising a peaceful future, this is the time to stand out. This is a call to Men, the good Men that are living within us, don’t keep quiet. Type something, and say something about domestic violence. Use your influence to demand for a society that’s free from domestic violence. Am tired of hearing bad stories about men. This is our call. It’s a fight for us Men and if we don’t fight it, it will turn out to be a fight against us.

In all my work as an advocate for boys & men’s issues, I have come to realize that the issue of domestic violence is best fought by Men. If men don’t come out to help Men, all other women campaigns will be useless. If you’re a father, talk to your son, if your son has no father, do it yourself self or look for a good man to talk sense into him.

Finally, let’s learn to use the English words well. “The woman who was killed by her husband” is not the same as the “Husband who murdered the mother of his children”. The first one makes it a little bit light, but the second brings it out as a whole. Let’s call it what it is, don’t hide it.

Responsibility Starts with me. I will be giving a Press Conference Tomorrow at 09 am on this issue and how we can use men to fight domestic violence. If you have energy. Come and join this flight.

RIP Viola