Petition for Equal Rights of the Bread Loaf Heel/Crust.

(Rumblings about weight gain, equality, segregation, workplace politics, nutrition, dieting, beer, bread…)

If you compare photos of me now with those I took, say, 2 years ago, it is evident that I have fleshed out quite a bit. This development has been received both positively and negatively by the people I hang around.

Those that approve say I am beginning to look more like a man, while the rest say I need to ‘watch my weight’. These are words you don’t want to hear no matter how comfortable you are in your won skin, which I like to think I am.

Personally, I like this new flesh, especially the one via my arms that makes people think I have been hitting the gym. Me, Roland, going to the gym..lol. The only weight gain I could do without is the one around my waist. I have always had a ka easy tummy and, over the years, I’d mastered the art of sucking it in, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide the ka guy. This is sad because now, people might start thinking I am corrupt.

The corruption belly. Img Src: corruption.com.ng
The corruption belly. Img Src: corruption.com.ng

Now, several reasons have been given for this sudden expansion of my physical form.

Beer is one of them…but I quickly dismiss that one because I have pretty much halved my alcohol consumption over the years. In addition, I also take the ‘Lite’ versions of my regular beers whenever I can afford. These are less fattening, or so I’ve heard, so yeah, definitely not the reason. (POI: Using Tusker as an example, you buy the bigger Tusker Lager when funds are scarce since it lasts longer, and gets you ‘high’ faster because it has higher alcohol content. When the wallet is healthier, you drink the slim Tusker Lite, because lower alcohol content and grains hence fewer calories. The nutritionists can provide more accurate insight on this one)

The other explanation is eating junk food. This theory is also swiftly debunked seeing as the cafeteria above our workplace serves local food only. This plus the occasional evening rolex means that I basically eat a balanced diet…in my books anyway.

The other reason forwarded is that I now have an 8-5 job where I spend most of my time seated, yet in my previous existence, I was chasing deals on these streets of Kampala most of the time. This one has some sound logic to it.

Then there is a group of conspiracy theorists that assure me there is a time in a mans life when the hormones go on a mating and reproducing spree so your body expands to accommodate the larger hormone population and nothing you do can stop this phenomenon. But, my biology classes taught me differently, and I am also skeptical because this theory normally comes from people who look like they have given up the fight and embraced their round shapes. To you I say, keep…you will not make me join your club.

The final theory is that my bachelor ways of eating bread like it is going out of fashion are part of the reasons why I’m expanding. A nutritionist broke this one down for me so I decided to do something about it. I have now embarked on a diet that restrict me to two slices of bread every morning, down from my usual 3-6.

The problem I am facing though is the people at my workplace, where I take my breakfast from, segregate against the top and bottom slices of bread, aka the heel/crust. Why? Why do you do this, dear workmates? Do you realize these slices also have feelings? You think they chose this life…hmm? They were born this way! Your discriminatory ways are causing me to fail at this basic diet.

'Well, yes, son, technically they are right when they call you a 'heel'. But remember, it's not who you are on the outside, it's what you taste like on the inside.'
They have feelings too! Img Src: cartoonstock.com

See, since I was a child, I have always understood the plight of these slices and have therefore always made it my duty to right this wrong, that a sizable portion humanity has decided to inflict on them, by eating bread heels when everyone else rejects them. And now, I have come to the realization that my need to fight for the rights of the heel/crust is greater than my need to get a six-pack. I be selfless like that.

The purpose of this long-ass post is to, therefore, beseech you, the people I work with and other that share similar habits of discrimination….be kind to the last and first slices and eat them. Eat them for equality…eat them for freedom…eat them for all things good in this world, but most importantly, eat them so I can finally get myself a six-pack

‪#‎ForTheCrust‬ ‪#‎IWillHaveMySixPackInThisLifeOrTheNext‬ #‎GoSideways‬

Written by Byagaba Roland

Roland is a random badman. He suffers from Mephobia.

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