Dear future ex-wife,
From when we are very little, we start to develop our understanding of love. From parents and relatives, then friends at school, with very strong input from popular culture; movies and music. It is generally regarded as a strong pleasant emotion. Then one day, we are old enough to try to experience it for ourselves in a relationship. I say “try” because everyone seems to have their expectations and experiences of what love is. Are we not all different personalities, with different tastes, interests and character? Why then, must love feel similar to all? I will divulge here sincerely and with little exaggeration my experience, lest you cross that thin line between love and hate in the fifth hour of the honeymoon.
I was raised in a “normal” family. With both parents, siblings and occasionally some pet cats or guard dogs. Just incase you are scared that perhaps I am one of those “broken” by a tough start in life. I was very shy and with low self-esteem generally, this might be my disability. Friends, I have many, but few are close. Lovers, I have had even fewer! For to me, to love is to understand someone as best as they understand themselves or even better! I hardly know who I am, how will my lover even understand me? Some days I want to lie in the sun, with a strong cocktail, other days I would much prefer to be in a library, lost in some history stories, yet other times I will want to be the hardworking white-collar employee, trying to make a difference in this nation. Will you love me at each of these times the same, or will you be disappointed as I switch between my personalities? Weary from not knowing which part of me to expect. I believe in a good God, and I do my best, most times……. Will you love me in these moments of regret and shame? Will my excuse or explanation mean anything to you? I totally despise romantic gestures like scented candles, flowers and fancy dinners for two. But I will definitely go for long nature walks hand-in-hand, I prefer to be with you, drenched in sweat at the front of an EDM concert to staring into your eyes over a dim candlelight dinner. I love to cuddle and send random texts and phone calls just to say you crossed my mind, everyday. Will you instead think me unromantic or controlling and insecure? A famous bard once said, “it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” How cruel! Is the second love even a fraction of the first? All the walls built up, innocence lost, mistrust based on past hurts, societal judgement, and Time, the changes caused by age and experience.
Dear future ex-wife, I think this is a bad idea, I have changed my mind….. or not. Maybe tomorrow, I will want a hand to hold and take this letter out of the drawer, and take a chance to send it to you.