Kagayi Ngobi
My heart always warms to thoughts of you. You, just seated across me, besides me, lying next to me. Your smile; sassy stare; your hugs I feel all at once. My soul in you is in auto-motion. You rush into my close embrace like winds rushing to tree leaves and branches. I grow goose-pimples again.
God there is no humour in missing someone!
But, you know, it is true what you were saying the other day: we seem to be the on-and-off type. I don’t want to acknowledge it because I feel we are fighting something else. Or someone else. Would it be wrong to think this new feeling is real?
You doubt me, I doubt you, we doubt ourselves, we doubt the doubt, and all of sudden, yet (ironically) where there is any doubt there is no doubt. Doubt confirms everything, affirms this fear knocking our hearts; overshadows with anger where we fail at loving each other.
Sometimes I fight it and win, sometimes I fail. The world breaks most because they are not strong. They doubt the invincibility of their feelings. But those that will not break, as they say, it kills. “It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially… (And) if you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”
Sometimes it’s as though we have been taught to kiss in heaven and sent to earth to see if we know what we were taught. Other times I remember the unreturned and unanswered expressions of love. From me to you, you to me, and I wonder if there is any ‘us’ at all.
But I am fighting my doubt, I truly am. I am not giving in.
The one thing I do not doubt is what I am learning to deal with: truth has no shades.
I love you.
