Close up side profile view face of African sad thoughtful teenager girl sit on sofa at home looking into distance feels unhappy, first unrequited love, teen relation problem, break up, worries concept
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Bullying is often seen as a mild phase of someone’s life. Something that isn’t as significant. I was bullied for most of my schooling. Being bullied is disturbingly a shameful thing to admit. I mean why did you get bullied? People are often like this because we live in a society where it’s humiliating to admit you were mistreated or are hurting. Truth is I was bullied and why, well one can say I had a poor sense of the way I viewed myself and my worth.

The way I was treated at home wasn’t so different from the way I was treated at school. This happened and I knew I was marked for life. I was always different. I experienced all forms of bullying like segregation, beatings, and public humiliation. You name it, I most probably went through it. I want to talk about this because I no longer want to live in shame for what happened to me.

Many people are bullied and their lives change. They never view life the same way. Their self-esteem is mutilated. I am now in college and the words, marriage and dating make me curl my fists. I didn’t have the privilege of the cliché high-school romance of shy girl meets bad boy, or being asked for prom or having stable relationships with anyone because I was constantly hiding from tormentors or melancholic.

No one protected me because I seemed too damaged for them to fight for. The long-term effects of what happened to me are still evident. I find it a constant struggle to have healthy friendships. I normally quit or they quit. I dread romance and see it as another window that will be used to cause me pain. I am an overachiever because apart from my name, Jesus and academics, I have nothing else and academic glory is a fair compensation. Bad dreams.

For real guys, I dream about my miserable younger self. It’s like being haunted by yourself. Not forgetting confidence, gosh I have to learn to be positively self-aware not to go in the spiral of people pleasing or self-pity. I am learning to enjoy being myself and refuse to accept that I am not worthy of love. I struggled with loneliness but now resolved that I am going to love the hell out of me even if I am the only one who does. I deserve love, beautiful fulfilling love.

I am not saying that all these effects are a must and only they indicate PTSD for bullying. That’s my experience to some it may appear sad, to others it may seem a total waste of time, others it might seem relatable. All in all, this is my story. And to anyone out there being bullied. Work on eliminating fear and moving past it.

There’s always strength on the other side. You are not what they say you are. You are who you say you are. So, say it, scream at the top of your lungs if you have to. I am rooting for you. Healing and being yourself is a journey, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right the first or fortieth time. Just don’t give up.

Lastly, being damaged is a way to be reconstructed into something better. And trust me you will be blown away because God never wastes anything, not even pain.

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Written by Martina Nagasha (1)

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