Church Peoples (Part II)

This a continuation of this story that was started by Joel Nevender as part of #UgBlogWeeek

Ah, another Sunday. Another day for these mortals to pray to God for forgiveness and blessings. I live for Sundays. Oh dearie me, looks like I’d forgotten my manners there. Hello. I’m Charlotte Promisticus. I’m what you humans refer to as a demon. I happen to be a very good one at that. This here church, the MCEWHICOL church is one of my units.

See that Pastor there, we made a deal. He wanted to be rich and famous. To speak in tongues and heal people. If any of you have watched that Lucifer series, my ability to read people’s desires is something like that. So I baited him and he swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Only a few chaps over the centuries have managed to say no to our baiting techniques. They are so rare that we’ve come to appreciate them from where I come from. Everyone else pretty much bends to our will whether knowingly or unknowingly. Pastor Katuntu over here bent so fast I was left wondering if he had been a lady of the night in his previous life.

The best part for me is always the conditions I set for those that knowingly give over their souls in return for whatever they desire (Usually riches. So predictable). Slaughter a white hen and drink its blood. Bring me the heart of an albino. Shag a rhinoceros. Take a dump from the top of a skyscraper onto the beggar down in the street. Every time I think I’m about to run out of ideas of ludicrous things to make these miserable idiots do, I surprise myself. To me, the process of jumping through all these hoops is the figurative selling of soul to the dark side. By the time you manage to go through with it, you deserve all the misery you are seeking from us. I see you judging me, thinking to yourself what an evil person I am. Duh, demon!!

So, yeah, pastor is in my pocket. As he does his sermoning thing on the podium, I float above the audience and add some special effects to keep the audience hooked. A burst of wind there. A knocked over person here. Convulsion’s for one of the fat girls in the choir. Boy, do they love these theatrics. This should spread the word about pastors might and increase church numbers even further.

I turn my attention to pastor’s wife, Mrs Katuntu. Hmm, she will be the end of him. His Achilles heel. Such a brilliant woman. I wonder what she saw in him. Must have been his desire to be successful at any cost. Pity. Her new found habit of syphoning church money is going to tear the church apart. She’d been hard to crack initially. Getting someone who already has so much going on to steal was never going to be a simple paper. But I had succeeded. Can’t believe I hadn’t tried that option earlier. That was not important now. The plan had worked and she was now part of the pawns I was moving around aimlessly. The power of a fuckboy was never to be underestimated. Especially if that fuckboy was as irresistible as Omara.

Omara. Oh, Omara! (You’ll see what I did there after reading more about him) He is my biggest asset for chaos and the best part is how oblivious he is to how easy he makes my work. Such a free soul who has everything else going for him apart from brains. Even I enjoyed the beautiful sounds that come out when he sings. What he lacked for in brains, he made up for in libido. Fuckboy extraordinaire. His determination to put his rather large organ between any legs, male or female, was unprecedented. I liked to regularly possess some of his victims so I could experience the joys of his pleasure rod. From my last count, he’d slept with over ¾ of the people in the church. Best part is he is a guilty secret to most of them so majority dodn’t know he is shagging his way across the pews. A one man sexual network. How he managed to pull this off considering how deficient he is in the brains department is beyond me.

Then there is sweet, sweet Mirembe. As pastor went on raising a ruckus at the pulpit, she is deep in prayer, beseeching the good Lord to save her from temptation. Temptation in the form of Omara. Before she’d crossed paths with him, she had been on the right track. Still a virgin and determined to maintain it till marriage. She still couldn’t remember how, just on the first day they met, she’d ended up naked and spread out with him between her legs, crushing through her virginity with his angry phallus and making her experience things she didn’t know existed. This had kept on her happening ever since and her prayers for forgiveness and strength to resist didn’t seem to be working at all. Sometimes I really wished I could reply and tell her the truth. That God and all the other good people of the bible she was praying to didn’t give a shit about her, or any of the humans for that matter. They never had. Life on earth was basically a playground for me and other demons.

Mugisha, what a pathetic loser! Anyway, at least he is getting laid, but I could totally see him screwing that up in the near future with his constant whining to make his relationship with Namazzi official. Why couldn’t some people learn to appreciate the good things they had going for them?

Namazzi, that girl can swallow a dick. Eh. And with the kind of insecurities and personality disorders she has going on, she is a joy to watch as she wreaks havoc on the male members of the church. I mean, who comes to church dressed like that. I always thought if I were to take human form, I’d be exactly like her. There are times I actually have to pinch myself just to be sure she actually isn’t one of us. And yet, despite her mannerisms and level 9 flirting skills, she is confusingly picky about who she lets hit it. Right now it is the miserable boy, Mugisha, Pastor Katuntu and my boy Omara. When her and Omara go at it, it’s a sight to behold. Art. It’s also the only time I possess Omara just so I can enjoy the full set of her skills.

And those are just the members I’ve bothered to tell you about. I really can’t get into the misdemeanours of all the members otherwise we’ll be here forever. I’ve been around a long time though and I find myself getting bored with this church. I’ve excelled at sowing seeds of sin in all the members and the ending is all too predictable from previous experiences. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking the church out kibwetere style and moving on to something fresh. But today, I seem to have found a reason to keep it around a little longer. The new member, Kizito. He has a certain ambition to him that I could definitely explore. It’s a strange mixture of rawness and naivety that I have not witnessed before. This is a man determined to prove himself. My kind of guy. And with the way Namazzi is eying him, he will surely make waves around here.

Wonderful. Looks like I’ll have to postpone my church bonfire plans for now…

Written by Byagaba Roland

Roland is a random badman. He suffers from Mephobia.

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