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#BachelorTales How to Explain the Muzigo?

You know how it is, Friday night, a couple of drinks in the system, lit conversations conducted at high volume so they can be heard over the loud music, a couple of dangerous dance moves, a little flirting here and there, life is good. You are young wild and free. 

Tonight, there’s a promotion at your favourite bar for one of those expensive whiskeys whose name you can’t be bothered to recall because you are sure you’d never order it on a normal day. The way your wallet is setup, it’s just not a possibility. But tonight is no normal night. Your friend is in charge of the promo and he has left you with a number of coupons to do as you wish. So far, your wish has been to make sure you and your boys are balling hard tonight.

You feel a change in the atmosphere. It’s like the air has been polluted by good tidings. Every nerve ending is on high alert. And it’s not just you that’s experiencing this. Your boys seem to have noticed the change in the environment. After acknowledging that all of you are registering the same shift, your tipsy mind starts running through possibilities. Could Jesus have chosen this moment to return? Kale he doesn’t have to worry about turning water into wine at this party. You are sorted via booze.

My 2 O’clock, one of the boys says. The rest of you do synchronised head turns and lo and behold, it’s not Jesus Christ. Just a triplet of stunning slay queens making an entrance into the venue. Katondest. Who grows those creatures? Even the chaps that are not wild and free like your crew and had come with their better halves have turned to look and you can’t help but pity them because they’ll surely have a serious case of blue balls tonight.

After the slays have settled into their corner, you turn back to the boys and try to continue business as usual but the mood has changed. The thirst has kicked in and it dictates that you must be in the presence of these fine creatures. You put your heads together as the boys. When determined minds come together, anything is possible. There’s three of them and three of us, this is fate, you tell the boys. Dibs on the extra longed legged one you add. You’ll never get her, one of the boys retorts. Wanna bet, you shoot back. Deal, they reply in unison.

After you are done dividing, you start laying strategy for the conquering. You wave a waiter over, slide 3 drink coupons in his hand and tell him to take a round to the fine ladies in the corner booth. You tear a paper out of his order pad and write, Mind if we join you?, on it. The waiter takes the drinks to the ladies and soon enough, he is pointing in your general direction. You and the boys all give a small salute to the ladies while trying to look as calm and laid back as possible. You see the scowls on the slays faces change to approval as they finish checking you out. Naye who looks fantastic even as they are scowling. Anyway, you in business. Now it’s just a matter of making sure the cat hasn’t taken a liking to your tongue (heh).

You tell your boys to go ahead of you while you have a quick word with the waiter. You hand him the rest of the coupons and tell him to keep on glancing at your table and bringing a round every time you do the finger twirl signal. You join the table and slide next to extra legs who your boys have dutifully steered clear of. Bro code places serious emphasis on dibs.

Four drinks in and you have the girls giggling to your crude band of humour. Extra legs is now giving you the light slaps when she laughs so you decide to take things to the next level. You stand, offer her your hand and tell her to come witness dance moves like she’s never seen before. She gives you a mock laugh but gets up never the less and follows you to the dance floor. As you pass by the DJ’s booth, you reach out your fist and as he reaches back to tap it with his own, you tell him to sample Melanin by Sauti Sol. He’s your boy and he’s seen the legs following you so he understands what’s at stake. By the time you arrive in your favourite dark corner of the dancefloor, Patoranking’s voice is already booming over the speakers.

Btw, I’m not a good dancer, extra legs whispers to you. Me too, you whisper back and then proceed to do some goofy dance moves. She laughs and almost blinds you with the whiteness of her teeth. What’s that move you are really good at, you ask, we can start with that one. She smiles slyly at you and pushes you to the wall. Don’t touch, she instructs. She then turns around and twerks slowly slowly. You send air kisses to the heavens. She moves closer and makes contact. You wipe away a tear of joy. She then does things with her behind that convince you she spent a year in the Himalayas training with the shaolin twerkers and mastering the art of controlling every muscle in your bottom to do as you want. 

After an hour on intense grinding, you lean in nibble her ear lobe and ask, Do you wanna get out of here? She bites her lower lip and tells you she has to talk to her friends first. You tell her to do that as you call your driver. You can see the extra points registering in her eyes.

As she goes to consult, you start up your taxify app and order a car. [ Kalango: Taxify, Europe and Africa’s fastest-growing ride-sharing platform, launched in Uganda. Hundreds of drivers signed up to the platform and ready to accept rides anywhere in the city.On its launch, it gave discounts of 15% to riders where the fares were to start at UGX950, UGX600 per Km, UGX150 per minute, while the minimum price was UGX4,500. Taxify then takes only 15% commission from its drivers, which is far lower than the 25% that competitors take. The lower commission allows Taxify to offer both lower prices for riders and more take-home pay for drivers. Taxify already operates in 20 counties worldwide, and has seen huge success with its fairer more transparent ride-sharing employees.The Taxify app is available on iOS and Android] The first car that turns up is a vitz. This won’t do. You go through five cars before landing on a Mark X which you think is worthy of the mission at hand. The price estimate also pleases your pockets coz there seems to be some kind of promotion going on and there’s a discount on the price. You text the driver telling him to act like his your driver and give the reasons why. He replies with,Hehe,I gat you. The stars are truly aligning tonight. 

Next, you call your other boy who has a nice cribs. There’ve been missions like this before when you needed to impress a target and he’s always willing to give you his room for business while he uses his guestroom. A true friend this one is. He doesn’t pick. You try again. Bruh, wake up. Still not picking. Eh!

Extra legs is cat walking back toward you. Shall we, she asks. Letyas, you respond. She gives you another playful slap and locks her arm in yours. As you head out of the kidula, you can see everyone eyeing you enviously and you develope a bounce in your step. Oba how are your other boys faring. Anyway, you are winning this bet so they will be fine. 

As you enter the taxify ride, the driver plays his part well and asks, Good evening, sir. Where are you headed now? Let’s go home, you tell him? Which home?, he asks. Gosh he’s good. The Naalya one, you tell him. It’s where you’ve set your destination on the app anyway. 

As he sets off, you try your boys number again. Still not picking. Banange. You send him a quick text explaining the situation. No reply. Slay, is still holding your other hand and she now places it on her thigh. You look over at her and she’s giving you the look. You lean in and your lips make contact. The choir in your head goes, Hallelujah! 

When you finally come up for air, you call the boy again. Nassing. You start feeling nervous for the first time. You try the number one last time as you approach his gate and start feeling real panick as you pass it and he’s still not picking. Banange. The taxify stops at your gate and you give the driver money that’s slightly over the estimate and tell him, Have this for now, I’ll let you know what time to pick me up in the morning. Yes, Sir. Have a good night, he responds. 

As you stand outside the gate with the girl, you notice the scowl is back. The panic proper sets in now as you wonder how you are going to explain your one room muzigo to her after the show you’ve put on the whole night. 

Dum dum dum…

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Written by Byagaba Roland

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