An imaginary interview with modern patriots

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There are those moments when you sit and imagine what goes on in some people’s heads as they defend certain otherwise obviously dastardly things.

Of course Napoleon Bonarparte told us that in politics, stupidity is not a handicap; and later George Carlin cautioned us to never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

My politeness doesn’t allow me such a harsh tone, but in this neighbourhood of ours, it is bewildering how we always find a lower bottom to hit.

When you are starting to think that your politicians have done the worst as to even shock a sadist, someone is always out there scheming to, yet again, break the record of absurdity! You live under constant fear that perhaps the political pit we are dipping into is bottomless.

A combination of greed for money, selfishness and shamelessness has born unto us a bizarre hybrid of politicians that even houseflies would fear to land on. We are only lucky that we are not in the 16th century; they wouldn’t have hesitated to sell us into slavery. Well, I tried to imagine an interview with some of them and here is where it led us.

Let’s start with you Honorable Birigha; how are you feeling now?

First of all, thanks for inviting me for this age limit lifting sitting. Oh, sorry, I had forgotten, for this interview. Hihihi, you know I love Mucebeni soooo much. What was your question again? You want to know my lovely opinion on age limit?

I asked, how are you feeling now, after that unfortunate event when you were …?

Oooh, ok ok. That young man is lucky, if police didn’t intervene, I was going to break his esophagus. Me? You joke with a man who has nothing to lose apart from his attire! I’m very fine, he only made me thirsty. Brainless boy!

Has your resolve changed in any way since that event?

No, but now I am more careful on which corridors to use and which useless people to avoid. For the age limit, I assure you my grandson, we shall behead that thing very completely and also. That is if we are given utmost atmospheric security.

I see! Security against what?

Why are you asking those things which are in glass? Of course security against the angry public which wants to kill us patriots?

They are all over Facebooks threatening and abusing us even on our own walls. Everything we say, they just attack like we killed their mothers! You ask my colleague Nsubugu. No, no bwana, this must stop!

So, who are you speaking for then?

That is a good question, let Honorable Nsubugu answer it. Some water please.

Honorable Nsubugu, who are you speaking for in suggesting the removal of term limits?

Thank you veri much bwana gundi for that marvelous question. You see, Kyuma kya Yesu and others will not intimidate me in this noble cause. He is just a useless boy and we shall show them that we shall kugikwatako. Eiiish! They are joking with hot porridge. By the way, do you have enough security here?

Honorable, relating to my earlier question, all of you supporters of this move seem to be scared of the public! Yet those who are against the scheme are only scared of the police! Who are you really speaking for then?

Bwana gundi, we are not scared of the public, we are just being perepeyad and security-conscious. Besides, you have seen that it is us being attacked.

You go to my Facebook page and see, almost 97 per cent of the fools commenting on my own posts are insulting me! I need security against the public, my blaza.

Does it concern you that the public is that angry about your campaign? Do all those opposed voices matter to you at all?

Of course they matter; because they need to be educated about patriotism. Otherwise, there is no point in listening to them.

In any case, they sent us to palamenti because they knew they could not think for themselves. We are only volunteering.

What does patriotism mean to you, honorable?

Now you have brought me. Etymologically, patriotism comes from two Greek words: ‘Patri’ – which means father; and ‘otism’ which means love. When you put the two together, patriotism means love of father.

And our father is obviously Mzee. So, if you are intelligent, you will logically conclude that it means love of Mzee. We know what we are doing, my blaza.

Honorable, where do you see Uganda in the next ten years?

I see it under the wise leadership of Mzee. I also see myself somewhere as an influential man.

Ok, I will now turn to you Honorable Anito. What do you think of the public backlash to your recent statements?

Who is in charge of security here? This place is too open and risky for a patriot like me. I need some guarantees; you don’t want me to talk to you while surveilling around.

We are covered, Honorable; the public will protect us. Go ahead and answer the question please.

What do you mean the public will protect us? Protect us against itself? I mean, where is the magye?

In that case, I will let you go, Honorable. Any quick word before you leave?

Yes, we shall touch it whether the public likes it or not, even if it means shooting out that article with an RPG. Who are they to tell us what to do? The shouts of frogs do not stop a cow from drinking water. Whoever doesn’t like it should go hang on a mustard tree.

Thanks, Honorable Anito. Honorable Nabhangya, do you have anything to add?

I think they have said it all. Just give us our allowances and we go.

The author heads the Center for African Studies at Uganda Martyrs University, Nkozi. This post originally appeared on observer.ug

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