Nabuguzi. Kiwanuka
Somewhere in December 2014, I hated the idea of waking up. For someone who liked to have her own space, I’d started fearing being on my own. I’d dispelled the idea of suicide and had chosen to stay alive for Mom but it wasn’t easy. Every time I was on my own, I ruminated about this heartbreak and all the things in my life that had never worked out. We were in the middle of the year 3 end of the first semester exams, in Law School.
I realised I couldn’t revise on my own. I started being more around my friends. I worked so hard to run away from my own thoughts. I stayed chatty. I asked more questions while we discussed. I stayed longer in their rooms. I made sure that I had very few minutes to cry before I slept, and in the mornings, I prepared myself quickly to leave my room because I’d learned that the longer I stayed on my own, the more appealing it was to end my life.
Whatever I had suppressed came bubbling in that period. So it wasn’t just the heartbreak; it was all the pent-up emotions that were demanding that I address them. The heartbreak would most likely be looked at as the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I was very prayerful. I never got into anything without prayer. I loved God in ways I couldn’t explain, and yet somehow, I didn’t feel protected from my trials and tribulations. I stepped away from him because, to me, that relationship too wasn’t working.
I started floating through life, making sure that I do not get myself invested deeply in anything. I survived Year 3 second semester, but I’d grown into a very cowardly person. It was very easy to have me scared. I no longer believed in my strength. I no longer felt like I could protect myself from anything. It was no longer in me that I could protect from friends from their own physical or emotional fears. I was just a shell, with nothing inside of me. Not strength. Not emotions. Just existing.
In 4th year, I asked to be my friend’s roommate and she never hesitated. She saved me from me without knowing that she was.
It’s been almost 11 years since. I’ve had 2 more suicidal ideations, but nothing saved me more than learning about emotions and mental health. I now love God, sunrises and life more.
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