4 Hours Later, A Proposal!

 

It was one of those mornings I woke up with a drinking spree agenda. My quarterly life crisis was kicking me to the curb and my birth control was still trying to adapt to my body. My hormones were a hot stanking mess as I was emotional, horny, sleepy,  happy, sad, moody, hype all at the same time. My sexual cravings were through the roof and I needed more than Tiger to satisfy me. Tiger is my dildo. I bought it out of curiosity at first,  then when these Nairobi men had proven to be life sucking psychopaths, I resulted to allowing electronics do the job. If you own a dildo, you know, it’s exciting at first but then you crave some serious action. “Kupinduliwa” as we say it here. Anyway, after my morning glory with Tiger, I prepared myself and headed to my favourite coffee shop to get some work done as I sipped on my usual, an iced coffee white.

I barely had any work done that day and resulted to listening to Beyoncé as I pretended to be busy. By the time it was noon, I packed up and headed to my local to start my Thursday afternoon on a high note. I took a boda boda, cause I wasn’t feeling like boarding the blue Kencom buses that day. I felt like my urge to drink couldn’t stand the dropping and picking of people at different stages plus the traffic. A boda would get me there in fifteen minutes. I love my local. Its an affluent local in those prime neighbourhoods in the city that we all hope to live in one day. The crowd is mature, fun and cordial. Being the economist I am, I asked the boda guy to stop me at the supermarket across to buy my chasers at a cheaper price then buy my booze at the local. Those guys never suspect I do that. Or if they did, they give me a pass since I’m a regular, loyal and kind customer, as the manager tells me everytime he sees me. They have a strict policy of no stuff from outside is allowed, but hey, I’m a scorpio, we bend rules.

I sat down drinking my 5$ gin, which is the cheapest “mzinga” they sell there plus my coca cola and alas! My body feels at home. I’m at my usual sitting spot and waiters, and other regulars pass by to say hi plus some small talk, the usual routine. I’m drinking by myself, which is something I enjoy doing as I observe one, two, scroll down twitter, chat a bit on WhatsApp, read some online books then slowly the place starts filling. I get completely lost in my world that I don’t notice someone trying to get my attention. He taps my elbow and I turn, smile, say hi and resume to reading All Men in Lagos Are Mad. If you’ve read that book, you know it grabs you by the balls and you’re hooked!

“You’re beautiful. You have lovely thighs, lovely eyes and a lovely smile. Please could I get your attention for just five minutes,” he said sitting opposite me as he opened a can of Guiness. 

I hate being distracted! I wanted to tell him off but, okay, let’s see what new shenanigans Nairobi men want to gag me up with. “

5 minutes? Okay, what’s up?” I asked him.

“My name is Mr. X, (not his real name) I saw you come in when my car was being washed and I’ve been observing you for hours. I keep asking myself why a beautiful, curvy woman like yourself is sitting all alone. I love how you mind your business despite the hungry looks some of these ‘mubabaz’ are giving you and it got me intrigued. I want you. I love you and I want to marry you.”

I laughed. I laughed so hard. He wasn’t grinning or anything, but looking at me dead serious. I stared at him and my inside voices were saying some very damaging things to his ego, but I didn’t let them out. I chose kindness.

“Mr X, I on the other hand, I’m not interested in you, or marriage or love. I just wanna get back to my book,” I said flashing a smile then getting back to my book.

 He kept talking and repeating the same things and it stopped being funny, but started getting annoying.

“Baby, you know when a man like me, with my high status in society and money speaks to you, you should consider it a favour. Very many girls want me, but I chose you and you’re acting like I’m not here? As a matter of fact, waiter!!!”

 He now called a waiter to come bring me two mzingas of Tanqueray and some soda. All the while I’m staring at him like, THE AUDACITY!

 “Baby, I can change you’re life, so that you stop drinking this cheap sanitizers and drink quality gin! As a matter of fact do you want food? Which restaurant here do you want to order from?.. When a man like me talks, you should humble yourself and be at my service! We rarely hunt, women hunt us! So consider this a favour!”

Who is this ratchet, crazy fool? First of all, why throw shade at my Chrome Gin? It’s a good ass drink and very economical! Anyway, I was already used to the Chrome Gin banter. Even my friends never understood why i drank it. Ha! My mind was ablaze. The rate at which the drinks came proved to me that he was a respected client. As the waiter put them down, I signaled her to return them.

 “I didn’t order for this, please take them back or send them over to his table!” 

 The waitress looked at me, then at him with some confusion. Mr. X was shocked and murmured something in his mother tongue. 

” Muema, tafadhali rudisha hizi Tanqueray, mimi unanijua, mimi hukunywa Chrome. Staking hii pombe ya kiburi!” I now raised my voice angrily. It’s basically telling the waiter, Muema, to return the Tanquerays, that have been ordered with a lot of ego, and I’ll stick to the drink they know me for.

Mr X quickly removed notes from his wallet and gave the waiter. The waiter left quickly and I resumed my book. 

“No lady has ever turned down any gesture of mine.  If I’m interrupt…” He didn’t even have to finish the sentence.

 ” Yes Mr.X, you are rudely interrupting my personal time, so get up, take your drinks and your nasty bragging attitude and leave!”

The music wasn’t very loud at this point,  so roughly everyone in the left wing heard me shout at him. He looked around, fixed his tie and walked away. I rolled my eyes, smirked then got back to my book. The manager came to check on me and apologise on his behalf. “These Luo men, you know them,” Oh yes I did know them and how they acted. I just took a sip of my drink and continued with my book.  Now this is around 5pm, the place is filling up decently, the music volume starts to rise, familiar faces enter the scene and I’m starting to feel tipsy. I start vibing to the music, taking frequent trips to the bathroom,  tipsy calling a few people, dancing then time flies and it’s 9pm.

All of a sudden, the music stops and everyone is staring at me. I’m tipsy, but I’m quite aware. I wonder if there’s anything wrong with my body con or if there’s some weird shit happening behind me. I look back, and oh! There he is, Mr. X, with flowers, a saxophonist and on his knees with a red case. I literally blinked a thousand times to check if I’m seeing my own things, but I wasn’t. I look around and people have that, “Awww” look on their faces. It must have been the first time some of them were witnessing a live proposal. I’m shocked to my wits. This guy, was actually serious. He wants to marry me. But even so, why propose to me at a local surely? Ha! I giggled, then started laughing loudly.

“Dude, stop this madness! How can you propose to someone you barely know?”

He didn’t even know my name. He never asked, and if he did, on God, my alias is always Filangee. If you’ve watched Friends, you know. He was serious. The saxophonist started playing and I was sitted in shock. Slowly the music faded and he started spewing madness again.

“From the first time I saw you, I felt it, you were mine. Everything about you is all I want in a wife. I will give you the world if you can allow me. I love you. I love your thighs, your eyes, your gap between the teeth and your personality….”

Personality? How guys? How? He just met me!!! My thighs,  thighs in a Proposal? Yoh! I was heated up. I wanted to punch him, but it was all too funny for me. The rock inside that case was beaurrrrriful. But, ey! He could be a bloody Satanist sent to take my star! Africans, and our superstitions. I was laughing at this point.

“So, darling, baby, thunder thighs, beautiful, will you marry me? “

Thighs again? Ah! Good Lord! At this time, I was in tears and gasping for breath. I realised there was no reasoning with Mr. Crazy over here. I grabbed my bottle, and put it in my bag and walked away fast. I looked deranged, I can imagine. Running and laughing at the same time. I went to the lavatory and took a piss, since I’m the type whose bladder gets activated every time I’ve had a good laugh. 2022 was finishing with a bang! That I didn’t expect. I finished up, called my cab and waited outside, luckily he was just across the road. I have never been so relieved to see a cab driver my whole life

Within minutes, the manager called me and he was also laughing on his end.

” What the fuck dude? What the fuck!” I said laughing but equally in disbelief.

” Lisa, don’t worry. That one is a ‘mwendawazimu’, meaning crazy person, ‘I’ve asked him, he says you resemble his university lecturer who he had mad feelings for, but was too broke to pursue her. So he was convinced that you were her,”

I couldn’t stop laughing. I chatted him up for a while then ended up sharing the story with my cab guy, who just made it funnier with his remarks. Till date, I’ve never met Mr. X again. I keep imagining what he’ll do the next time we meet. I’ll probably just start laughing again. I have been proposed to in my life, and it was the craziest thing ever!