WHAT WAS I CREATED FOR??

What was I created for?…

God said he molded me in his image,

Fixed his DNA deep inside my cells,

Breathed his life-giving breath into my lungs,

And filled my heart with everything he

Bears inside of him.

He said,

He put me in the world and made me great

Even before my time of greatness,

So that I could see life through his eyes

And accept myself as a born legend.

My mother on the other hand said

She carried me in her womb with the most

Inexpressible form of love

And nine months down,

She pushed me into a gruesome world and feared 

What it would turn me into.

So she chose to jealously guard, protect and teach me

To love God unconditionally,

And appreciate his fatherly presence,

The only fatherly presence I’ve  grown up to know apparently.

Not that it’s a bad thing,

It’s one of the biggest reasons my relationship with God makes sense to me,

He isn’t just God to me,

He is Daddy!

Sometimes I wish he were physical though,

But besides that fact which I can’t change, I love him for everything he is to me.

However,

Despite having the world’s most fantastic parents,

I still haven’t figured out why I was created.

It’s a question that lingers in my mind every time

I close and open my eyes.

Every time I think I’ve got the answer,

I trip on my own pride break my face on the ground

And wish it would swallow me to feed it’s hunger.

My life consists of

Nothing and everything at the same time,

It’s me jailed within the cages of my mind,

Desperately craving the desire to be saved and

Being afraid of what life outside these cages would look like

So I’ve built my own comfort space within these confinements.

If overthinking was a job,

I think I’d be getting a promotion everyday

And my calendar would be filled with all the days

I would be booked to give a motivational speech about the “benefits of overthinking.”

And I’d never leave the number one spot as the world’s best motivational speaker.

If wishes were horses I’d wish upon the horses and when they came

I’d kill all of them,

Just to cure this confusion virus in my head…

I am a confused human being,

I hate it, but it’s who I am,

I’ve tried to change but I’ve failed,

So to make myself feel better I’ve decided to call it indecision,

It’s better to be indecisive than confused.

My level of indecision scares me,

I hope it doesn’t make people around me think I’m confused…

I am but I hope they can’t tell even when it’s as clear as day often times.

When sometimes I cover my real opinions behind opinions, I think they want to hear,

When I make decisions and later change them for reasons even, I don’t know

Then run to my closet and hit my head with the closet door till I bleed all the shame out!

When I simp on everyone I get attached to and forget my self-respect on my bed the moment I wake up in the morning!

I’m afraid of people for reasons I don’t know,

If you have ever noticed any discomfort in me around you, It’s not you, it’s me,

And even I don’t know why, so don’t ask just pretend you didn’t notice.

If ever I was created for something,

I hope it is to be free from my own self,

And if that isn’t it,

I hope I figure out why soon!

Before my exhaustion exhausts me into ending my search.