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Third Floor Conversations…

A few months ago, a close friend came to visit me to celebrate my new age, which I am obviously not disclosing , but we move nonetheless.

While we were deep into our girly conversations, I noticed that she was also glued to her phone, giving it the kind of urgent attention one would give an intimate issue. I asked her what the problem was and she told me her friend whom I also happened to know, was bitter about a comment someone in her family made asking her why she wasn’t married yet at her age. The question made her lose peace, and it saddened me how she was being culturally crucified for something she honestly had no control over.

When I asked my friend how old she was, she turned out to be a year younger than me. It was then that I thought, how come I, who is a year older than her, exudes this joy and happiness despite my single status and not being at the place I hoped to be at this age? Think I was like this always, not at all. Allow me to tell you the story of my life in my 30’s.

I was always that girl who religiously believed that by 30, I would be married, with kids (most probably on my 3rd), a flourishing career, and all those things we dream about growing up. My plans, however, drastically changed when the person I believed would marry me decided to leave me at 23. Life after that breakup seemed to push me into the worst experimental phase morally. Who knew that phase would make me lose priceless time?

By 25, I resigned from my job, which wasn’t right for me, so I set out to find myself in terms of passion. I thank God that I made that bold move because today, I found that passion. Life continued to throw me deep into confusion, experimenting with married men and anyone who had a settling-down scent on them. I didn’t care about their baggage because I had reached a desperate phase.

At 29, panic began to set in. It just happens automatically, and hearing those random “having kids later affects you” nonsensical conversations rubs more salt into the wound. At 29 also, my world stopped when my mother passed away. Nothing prepares you for the loss of someone you were biologically, psychologically, financially, and spiritually attached to.

At 30, no one wished me a happy birthday. It’s like everyone forgot that I existed. I spent the day crying so hard, wishing my mother was still alive to see her little only girl now turn into a big girl. At least she would have remembered my birthday.

In the middle of my year making 30, my maternal grandmother, who had stepped in to help mend those bleeding holes in my heart after my mother passed away, also passed away. In November of that same year, I was clinically diagnosed with “Mild depression triggered by back-to-back loss.”

At 30, I was fighting to stay alive because my life stopped making sense to me. I lost the reason for living and hit mental medical rock bottom.

The day I planned to end my life, God was fighting for that same life too because he had (still has) a purpose for my life. The devil wasn’t going to just walk in and steal me away from him, from the world.

That life-changing day when I decided to indirectly say goodbye, I posted in the family WhatsApp group that I was getting off all social media platforms, hence the decision to delete my WhatsApp account too. I thank God that I reunited with in 2020 for he still had contingent plans for his daughter Mirembe Mary (ME). I believe that he awakened a maternal instinct in my aunty who also happened to be in that group to privately reach out and ask if everything was okay since it was so out of my character to distance myself like that from the world.

It is that conversation which later introduced me to my therapist, Dr. Raymond, whose diagnosis of me suffering from depression had me on carefully designed therapy sessions and antidepressants for nine months. Because at that time in my life, I was indifferent with God spiritually, I believe that he created another avenue that I would understand at that moment, hence the time spent with my therapist, rediscovering that ounce in me that still had a fighting chance for staying alive.

My life after overcoming depression threw me into a self-discovery phase, spiritually, mentally, and I learned how to keep myself pieced up with the right body armor to block out anything that might trigger my then-fragile mental health.

It’s been years of intense practice of self-love, spiritual soul-searching, and learning how to make peace with where I am now in life.Through the teachings my spirit has been digesting from Phaneroo Ministries International that I now call home, I have learned that my God has never forgotten about me. My God still has plans to prosper me and not harm me, wants the best for me, and that is why I decided to wait upon his timing to manifest his goodness upon my life.

While his strength continues to be made perfect in my weaknesses, I strongly believe that the challenges I have faced over the years await to sprout his divine purpose for my life. His master plans for me will get executed and prove the devil wrong who had smeared a filthy sense of doubt upon me because of how my life has been going.

Waiting on God is a function of trust. You wait because you trust who you are waiting for. John 14:27 NIV says that “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I don’t give you as the world gives you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

To anyone out there who is finding it hard to make peace with their 30s and any age which might not yet have borne fruits that society expects, I want to let you know that the peace you expect from the world is not the same that your creator gives. Whatever achievement you feel has stalled in your life hasn’t stalled in God’s eyes. Everyone was uniquely created in his image, and our paths in life don’t have to be similar.

I choose to wait upon my God because his grace that kept me intact all the previous frustrating years will see me through the manifestation of his goodness no matter when it happens or how long I have to wait. I believe that he will restore all the years I painfully wasted in the secular world, quicken whatever had been deprived of me, and most importantly, multiply my years to enjoy his fruitful blessings.

Soon, the wait will be worth it, and knowing the type of person I am, I will cry overwhelming happy tears. That is the God I was introduced to at Phaneroo Ministries International, and I choose to stick with him because that is a God who most definitely has a plan for me.

Choose to blur out the stereotypical noise society makes and live your life to the fullest. If it’s meant to be, it will find you, and it doesn’t matter if you are 30, 45, or 60.

If God meant it for you, it will manifest, and he will give you the grace to maintain it. Sarah in the Bible had a baby that we still talk about today at 90. What would stop God from fulfilling your heart’s desires too? Be patient, trust, and wait upon him because he is faithful.

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Written by MIREMBE MARY (1)

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From my heart