See, I don’t really love talking to my neighbours. I can say hi, but that is it.
I have two neighbours on the last floor. Neighbour A is happily married to a beautiful woman. They have two beautiful kids. Drive two nice cars. So you see things involving kids, you don’t ‘kwematira’ a lot. The kids had been talking to me, hugging me whenever they saw me. I couldn’t be mean to them. Now that’s how their mother and I started talking. A very beautiful lady, down to earth. The kind who loves church a lot. See, she even bought me a bible as a gift for loving her kids. (BTW this is my weakness) I love kids a lot. She’s a musheshe from Kiruhura, with big bums, and has that Janet haircut. Perfect smile too. She has this gorgeous black gum and white teeth. She’s the perfect house wife.
Then I have neighbour B. Not so beautiful (facially) but has this sex appeal, Jheeezzzzussss, the best long legs I have seen in a while, has a small waist and some well-shaped butt. Brown thighs, looks like she comes from Jinja, or any parts of the East (I have heard her speak). She’s about 22-24 years old. I have never talked to her. Munange this hot girl, and when I say HOT I mean very HOTTTTT, is always in mini clothes. You see, when I first moved in, I used to think she only wears these miniskirts when it’s hot, but I was wrong. This girl wears them even when it’s cold. Then she has a habit of rotating around the compound/parking. I am always feeling sorry for the men who live with their wives/girlfriends here. I used to wonder what goes on in their minds when they see this girl. And looks like she does it intentionally. Chic has this provocative walk, Jhezzzzus… I think she’s ever been a model because she’s about 5’9, but then she’s not really skinny like the models here.
Anyway, I wanted food delivery on Monday night. It was about midnight and I’m there waiting for food delivery. At about 12:45 or so, someone knocks on my door. I thought it was my friend who was delivering food, kumbe it was Neighbour A’s wife crying, accompanied by her two children. I panic wondering what it was. I first took the babies to my bedroom to sleep because the woman wasn’t in good shape. So, I return with a handkerchief for her as I try to calm her down. Bambi!
I ask her again what it is and she goes “See Chantal, I went to the village on Friday…”
It then hits me that she was absent the whole weekend and kids were at their Aunt’s. She had just returned them on Monday.
“..my mom has been sick and we brought her to IHK today, but I’d told Hubby I was to come back Tuesday morning. That didn’t happen because I needed some things to use, and wake up go to town and get some more.. Didn’t want to sleep at the hospital, I’d find traffic on the road…”
“Hmmm, so what really happened?” I ask.
“I have been with this man for twelve years. We’ve been through a lot, but what he has done today is unforgivable.”
Curious to know, I ask,” What did neighbour A do?”
“See our neighbour B…”
Otyoooooo! At this point, I know where we are heading.
“I found her in bed with my husband…”
“Doing what?” I ask her. See, these people are staunch balokole so I thought, maybe, Neighbour A had invited Neighbour B for an overnight.
“What kind of stupid question is that?” she asks.
Bambi I tried to sweet talk to her and she listened. She didn’t deserve that stupid question.
“I found her having sex with my husband!”
I faint a little and come back. “Where were we again?” I ask.
“That silly light skinned bitch was fucking my husband!”
Me: Was it doggy, kabata, kakere, or?
Her: I should have known not to come here.
Me: I’m sorry if I’m making you furious…
Her: I will show that silly whore what Kiruhura women are made of.
Me: What are you going to do?
Her: I will mingle her like cassava flour.
Me: Why didn’t you do it then, when you found her in your marital bed?
Her: But Chantal, are you serious with these questions?
Me *thinking* I should lay a bed for this Kiruhura woman before she mingles me like she’s going to do Neighbour B…
Guys, all my chances of being a marriage counsellor flew away like that. Banange, what did I do wrong? She slept, woke up early and picked up her luggage as hubby was pleading, mbu, sitani yamukema, and drove off to her sister’s place.
Now she’s not picking my calls. 🙁