Yesterday, someone sent me a football clip on Whatsapp. Only, it wasn’t actually a football clip. The thumbnail suggested it was a football clip but in reality, it was an image of what looked like a deadly dribble but with the sound of a woman’s heavy sexual moaning dubbed over it.
In very uncharacteristic fashion, I went ahead to open the clip while I was seated at my work desk, without earphones plugged into the phone. My phone is usually in silent mode when I’m at work which is probably why I was this lax. I’m a respectful workmate like that. I don’t want a party to kick off in the office every time someone calls me and Major Lazor blares from my Techno Boom speakers. That would significantly reduce productivity at the office. Stuff needs to get done so I leave my phone in silent, except on Fridays.
When I get home after work, I turn the volume all the way up to maximum. This is so my alarm can go off at full blast in the morning and rattle me out of my slumber. But my sleep game is so strong that I usually dose off again after switching off the alarm and wake up 30 minutes to reporting at work time. I then do the headless chicken run around the house in an attempt to get ready and make it to work in that small time window. All this means I usually arrive at work with my phone volume still at the max. The way this plays out is that my first phone call will usually give me and my work mates a mini heart attack. I used to berate myself about this but I’ve had a change of heart (worry not reader, all those mini heart attacks have not yet made it necessary for me to have a heart transplant) and decided this is a good thing after all. Most people are not morning people so some full blast Major Lazor in the morning is a great way to pump them up for the rest of the day. Brilliant, I know.
Yesterday, though, no one called me. Instead, I got a clip of footballers who were moaning like women instead of dribbling. And I broadcasted it to all the floors of my office building thanks to those fantastic Techno Boom speakers. Everything froze. It was very enthusiastic moaning, this. Never knew it was a requirement to playing football. What had happened to the beautiful game? Things used not to be like this back in the day when I was on my primary school team. But ours was a crap team. We never won a single game. And we were loose. 5 goals at the very minimum. Like Arsenal when it meets Bayern. Maybe the chaps of the opposite team knew about this moaning technique. That’s probably why we were so lousy. Or maybe footballers, with all their theatrics, like falling and writhing in pain when an opponent touches your shirt, have taken it to another level and introduced moaning. Anyway, I divorced football a while back so let me not dwell on it.
Director, let’s switch back to the office scene. So, there I am, holding a phone that’s broadcasting the sounds of a woman that’s being tormented by the D, with the whole office (my workmates, the bosses, the neighbours, the birds that were flying by, the rats in the roof, the ghosts that were enjoying a game of omweso…) giving me the stink eye. My mind immediately went to WWJD. What would Jesus Christ who died for our sins do? Jesus heard my query, told Mary to pause perfuming his feet, arrived at the crime scene, evaluated what was going on, decided even this was beyond him, changed into the Holy Ghost, took a seat with the other ghosts and joined them in the game of omweso. I couldn’t blame him for abandoning me, though. That dude, in addition to all the other injustices he suffered on earth, also probably died a virgin. He must have thought the moans were the sound of a sheep giving birth. Whatever, I was on my own again, abandoned to die in my own movie.
So what did I do, I smirked like this was totally normal, pretended to type something in reply, put the phone on my desk and went back to work. See, my earphones were in my ears, though they were plugged into the laptop. My strategy was to act like they were plugged into the phone and I was the only one who had heard the moaning and was completely oblivious of the stares all around. But my neighbour wasn’t having any of this pretence. She poked me with her finger and gave me a WTF look while pointing to my phone. I then acted surprised, pulled my earphones from my ears, looked at them in wonder as I followed their trail to the laptop, changed the surprised to a look of understanding and then shrugged, pointed at my phone and said loudly enough, ‘My girlfriend, from last night.’ and then gave them that deliberate slow ‘na-meam’ wink.
The dude’s in the building me gave me the wink and finger gun back while the ladies gave me a judgemental look before walking over to their office gossip mates to discuss this development further. I don’t think the ladies in my office are getting some. Either that or they are not getting it as good as the footballers in the clip.
But I lie. It didn’t go down like that. Instead, I pressed pause on that screen so hard it’s now cracked. I then explained to those in the vicinity that it’s was a prank and I was not actually watching porn at work. It was not Major Lazor, but we all giggled at my misfortune and went back to our tasks in a lighter mood. Then I, like the responsible citizen I am, forwarded the clip to all the groups I’m in and guffawed as I got cussed out through the course of the day. Never to die alone. And despite my early morning predicament, the clip did the rounds and the sounds of moaning were heard in our office space a couple more times throughout the day. Dwanzies.
But the highlight of my day was when my boss and I went into a firefighting meeting with a client. Client was not happy with delivery times of a project we are working on, I was not happy with the boss coz of some other issues. It was tense in that room.
Then just before the meeting kicked off, the boss was scrolling through Whatsapp messages instead of putting away his phone when I saw his finger hover over the play button of this particular clip. The team from the client side was seating waiting for explanations from our side, I was seating ready to explain my side as the man on the ground and my boss was about to click play on a clip with moaning footballers. What would Jesus have done if he was in my shoes? Well, seeing as I’d already experienced first hand what J does in situations like so, I let the boss play the moaning football clip….