Letter To Africa: Dear Cape Town

My dear Cape Town

How are you doing? How are Sipho, Gupta, and Sean? Please tell them I said hello, and that I received the PayPal receipts. Everything is in order. As predicted, most of the specimens arrived intact and should begin breeding in a week or so.

It has been a while since I was last over, I know. But I have been quite caught up here in Kampala lately. We are undergoing a particularly aggressive surge in alcohol consumption right now and as a patriot, you understand, I have to stay and make my contribution.

I did plan to come over last week but I heard the news about your ongoing water crisis approaching critical point and, Cape Town, I am not coming over if you don’t have tap water.

I keenly remember last time I was there, I met a young gentleman on one of your streets. He wanted my wallet and iPod. I was not shocked at that, of course. This was in the early 2000s when you had that regrettable crime wave (which I blame Chris Brown for. You let Chris Brown enter your country to perform? He’s a delinquent and inspires delinquency.)

At the time I was quite accustomed to being robbed in Cape Town. So much so that I always carried extra wallets, watches, and iPods whenever I ventured forth.

This robber, though, was at a disadvantage in that he did not have a proper weapon to threaten me with. He explained that he had left home with a knife, but it had been mugged off him on the way to this street. The most he could threaten me with, he explained, was putting me in a headlock and punching the crown of my head very hard.

Now, having the ninja skills all my Kiganda Mamba clan members are gifted with, I did not immediately capitulate, but then he raised his arm to begin. The stench that exploded from the underarm was so intense that I very suddenly became aware of the fact that iPods would soon be obsolete and I may as well get rid of the thing now.

The experience left a deep scar. Because the capillaries inside my nostrils burst and there were some lacerations in the lining of my sinuses and it would be months before I would be able to grow hair again.

The most I can do for now is hope that it rains hard, or that someone in your nation’s thriving community of tech startups soon creates an app that deodorises the user, at least before my music career takes off, because I plan to hold a concert there in the near future. You guys can do better than Chris Brown. I can be that better.

Until then, I urge you to stay strong. Have faith. We shall overcome.

Love you guys

Bazanye, Son Of Bazanye

Muzukulu Of Sempebwa, Born of Nagawa

And also known as Elinesiti