This had to be what made me leave Tinder forever. I saw this man’s steamy profile and got hooked. He was exactly my type. Tall, dark skin, bearded, neat pompadour hairstyle and a dimple on the right cheek just like mine. To be honest, I swiped right and made the first move cause I was in awe of this black sexiness. I never expected a reply from him, but he did and asked for my WhatsApp number. We started chatting and speaking on a regular. He loved calls and timely replies, I mean. A girl was happy, knowing how most men I know aren’t the chatty type. He’d call every morning, afternoon and evening to check up on me and just chat about random things. I always looked forward to the video calls after he left the gym, cause then he was sweaty and dripping golden intoxicating waters. I loved it. Oh yes, he did look exactly how he looked on his photos, if not better! I wanted to meet him in person like yesterday, and I couldn’t wait for the weekend to reach so that I could see him. In my heart, I honestly knew I’d give up the cookie on the first date, if it got there. Why I’m I like this, though?
Fast forward to Saturday morning, which to me felt like forever to reach, it was dee day! At the time I was living in Rongai, where most people throw shade and say its not a part of Kenya, cause of how long it takes you to get there. Mean, but now that I don’t live there anymore, I get it! It’s far. Shout out to anyone who ever came to visit me there. That’s pure sacrifice and love. I tried on like three outfits then obviously settled on the black dress that shows all your God given African curves and some comfy flats. I looked good. I look good in almost anything, but damn I looked good. He came and picked me up at around 11am and packed his car right outside our flats. There was no packing space, I mean guys, the building was for bed sitters and one bedrooms, so basically students, a community of online writers and people just starting out life. Oh my, I miss my golden times there! I lived on the fourth floor, no elevator and I started my trek downstairs which was coupled with hearing loud music, the sweet smell of Mary Jane and people having a field day with laundry.
I got outside the gate and found him outside his peng German machine holding flowers ready for me. As someone whose received flowers countable times in my life, I was pleased. I could see the shop owners peeping to see who was being given such a presidential pick up, and alas! It was me. They made some glances and one of them did a thumbs up to me. Ah that lady! She really helped us during broke times, but we needed to eat. One of my neighbours texted me soon after to say, “Do us, normal men even stand a chance?” Oh well, he didn’t! Story for another day. Tyler, not his real name, was breathtaking. He smelled so good, and looked even better. His long sleeved, shirt hugged his chest and his pants gripped in all the right places. The gold accessories he had on his wrist and neck complemented his look and oh! His smile guys! I was in heaven. He gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek then opened the door for me and we set out.
He mentioned the date was a surprise and I let him do his thing. We vibed to some Amapiano, on our way as we spoke on random things. I loved listening to him speak as he drove. There was something about his aura, his demeanour, his energy that transcended all the way to my spirit. Okay fine, to my vagina. I wanted to mount on him so bad. There was a tingling sensation that was coming from the pits of my stomach and would come out as a slight moan. I tried to control it and ended up forcing a cough, anytime it came out. When we reached Galleria, he proceeded to Karen and alas! We were standing in front of a huge house. To be honest, if our first date was at his house, it would be one of the rare instances where I didn’t get mad. Yes. I don’t agree that first dates should be indoors! But, I was willing to let it slide. The gates opened and as we came close to the door, I saw two middle aged humans standing at the door.
” Umm, where are we?”
” Oh, this is my parents house. Welcome,”
” Thanks, I’ll just wait in the car.” Now this was me thinking that, he was here to pick something up then we go. He giggled.
“No, Lisa, this is it. We are here for lunch. I couldn’t think of a better place,” he said untying his seat belt.
Now, hold up, wait a minute. He couldn’t think of a better place? His parents house is our first date. Oh snap! I was confused and in shock and it showed all over my face.
” Don’t be nervous. They don’t bite, I just want them to get to know you like I do,” he said as he chubbied my cheeks.
Get to know me like you do? I’d just spoken to him for a few days, and on phone! How does he know me? By now guys, I wasn’t getting turned on. The off button was on and I just wanted to run. I always have a thing where I hate hate meeting people’s parents. Even my friends who I’ve known for years. He got out of the car and opened mine. I slowly got out, and just said Fuck it. We approached the parents and I was greeted so warmly. I wondered if there was a back story there, because they were too nice. The superstitious African in me, started thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong. Was this going to be like Get Out, the movie? Will they auction me and give me to the highest bidder? Will they do rituals on me? Have they put some sleeping pill on their food or drinks? Is this the last time I’ll be seen alive? Okay, calm down Lisa, you’ll be fine. I quickly shared my ETA, to two of my friends just incase.
“Wow, you are beautiful Lisa, even more than my son described. We’re happy you’ve come for lunch. For the last one year, our son has intentionally been dodging the question of when you’ll come over. He actually just told us your name a week ago. He always used to refer you buy the nick name he called you, Minkies, ” the mom said ushering me in.
At this point, I wasn’t sure if I was actually hearing my own things or I was dreaming. Apparently I’ve been existing in this guys life for an year, by the name Minkies. Tf, does that even mean? Tyler played along and gave me that, ‘play along look.’ I mean I’m a girl, I’ve played along with so many things. I can act, just give me a heads up first. As soon as we got in, I went straight to the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat just wondering. I started laughing at some point, cause I couldn’t fathom. In there, he shot me a text that said.
‘Don’t panic. Play along. I told them you were head of Communications working at Scotland Yard, but have recently left to start your own practice!’
Scotland Yard? Isn’t that a police, interpol thing that I think I’ve heard of in movies or something. How can I fake something like that? I couldn’t guys. I left the washroom determined to go excuse myself for an emergency. The mom held my hand to the living room and offered me punch. They were all speaking but I wasn’t there. I was outside, planning on how to leave.
” Now Lisa, we heard that you work for Scotland Yard. That’s impressive! What is it you do there?” Tyler’s dad asked.
Oh the shits! I had looked up Scotland Yard in the washroom, but my Telkom network was shit in there, so I barely got enough. I looked at Tyler then at the dad, and smiled.
” Uh, Scotland Yard, yes. I’m a Communications Exec there, but I had a good run and I’m here to start my own practice to focus majority on PR, Corporate Communications and Advertising. I’ve learnt quite a lot and I know in my heart I have so much to teach and share and offer…”
What the fuck did I just say?
They all nodded in agreement
“And Lisa here, feels like she wants to devote all her energy in her new firm. She went through some things there, and she really hates talking about it,” Tyler said massaging my hand.
Hee! What things are these? Ask me who or what Scotland Yard is? Do I know? Ask me what exactly they do? Do I know? I have never even left the continent, but somehow I’m a big shot Communications director.
” Oh I’m sorry Lisa. But, you know these things happen to shape you. We have many friends who are looking to hire private firms for their PR, and now we have one in the family,” Tyler’s mom said sweetly..
I let out a grin. After a bit of small talk, Tyler’s parents went to the kitchen to get the food and I gasped.
” Dude, what the fuck? Take me home? ”
Tyler smiled. “No, you are doing fine. Just stay. I’ll take you home in the evening.’
” Evening? Dude? I’m not comfortable, and I can’t keep pretending. What’s your deal anyway?”
He took a sip of the punch then held both my hands.
” My parents won’t take me seriously unless I show them that I’m in a committed relationship. There’s something I really need from them, and I can only get it if I prove to them that I’m seeing someone. All my siblings are married with kids, and they get everything!”
I stared at him blankly. Yoh, my inside voices, yoh! They were begging, begging for me to let them out.
” So please, Lisa, please, only way I’ll get a penthouse, my dream car and seed fund for my tech company is if you play along. I’m going to propose later today, so act surprised…”
GOD OF HEAVEN! GOD OF HEAVEN! People have nice problems. My neighbour and I each contribute 750/ every month for shared WiFi, but a penthouse and a car is what all this is for!
” No, no, no! Tyler no!”
” Lisa please, I’ve painted this picture of you, a beautiful 32 year old who…”
Thirty two? Hee! I don’t even think I heard the rest, I just took my bag and rushed to the door and left. He tried following me but I was fast. Their house wasn’t far from the estate gate, and once I got out, I called a boda to take me home fast! He called me endless times but I didn’t bother picking up. When I reached Rongai, I climbed those fleet of stairs that I dreaded so fast, it was as if someone was chasing me. I got to the house and blocked him everywhere. I lay on my bed and just replayed the whole thing in my head. As usual, I started laughing. The Mary Jane I had left over calmed down my nerves and I hoped on phone to narrate the whole ordeal to my friend.
A part of me wonders with him a lot. I wondered what would have happened if I stayed and played along. I wondered how hungry he must have been for that penthouse, that he would fake a whole thing. Fast forward, 2023, I bumped into his Instagram profile and he is actually married with a son now! Ha! I really hope he did get married and fell in love, but idk, I don’t think so..
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