Francis B Xavier
Kampala is the capital city of Uganda. Quick question: What is the capital city of Uganda? SHOCK ME!…
Right about now, you must be about to start beginning the process of doubting yourself, hence reading the question twice to look for any hidden pitfalls! Spoiler alert: there are none. In fact, this is but an analogy of the experiences I experienced (English is underrated!) over the weekend. Why do you need to know about my experiences over the weekend? The truth is; you don’t. I won’t even continue with this narration any further.Naye nga binsiiwa!!! let’s batheSooooooo (olugambooooo! Temulina byakukola?) ANYWAY, a friend of mine and I went to visit a friend of mine who also happens to be a friend of his (my friend) and her other friends who are also our friends I AM SURE YOU HAVE NOT UNDERSTOOD much to my delight.
Ekituufu, this story is soooo short it should not contain even more than fifteen words naye ndi mu kubiwanvuya ebigambo biwere nga mutwalo as if tunaasula wano. By the way I’m sorry if I use too much Luganda, but then that’s my language! The Queen doesn’t pay me enough to stick to her language 24/7/4/12/365•4 (atabitegedde nviira).The day was Wednesday (I don’t know why I told you it was the weekend; my relationship with the truth can sometimes be discombobulating to the naked eye. Yeah; I’m a psychopath). I was with RP (by now those of you who know me should know that those are the initials of an idiot I hate. Why was I traveling with a an idiot I hate? I’m kinky). Anywaaaaaaay, we were in a taxi from Kaleerwe towards town. What were we doing in Kaleerwe? If you keep interrupting me with these questions, tujja kusula wano; something which is not part of my annual goals this year.
Anyway, as we were boarding this taxi, the taxi knocked a parked jaj and in the process, the front right indicator got a scratch. Million dollar question: HOW did a taxi knock a parked jaj as we were entering the taxi and HOW did the front indicator get a scratch yet the impact happened at the rare end? Google the word DISCOMBOBULATION.
Even we did not know what had happened or why it happened until we saw a jaj guy (the jaj guy) following the taxi (obviously on his jaj lol). For those who are coming into contact with Ugandan parlance for the first time, a jaj is the short form of a Bajaj Boxer, a particular brand of motorcycles that is so famous, we have named every other motorcycle a jaj. To put this into context, think of all the times you’ve gone to a shop and asked for Colgate when you in fact mean toothpaste! Anyway, the jaj guy followed the taxi until we reached Shell (actually, a petrol station whose name I don’t know) and as the taxi stopped, he rode towards the conductor’s window and demanded UGX 30,000/= for the scratched indicator! The conductor howled with incredulous laughter and urged the driver to drive off, hence leaving the the jaj guy in his own movie. The taxi drove off, crisis was averted.
Was it though? KEEP BATHING!Second taxi stop, and the jaj guy is still following the taxi much to the surprise of many! This guy surely does not know when to give up, does he? This time, he rode towards the driver’s seat and raised the issue yet again….demanding for UGX 30,000/=. Yet again, the driver was playing hard to get. He drove off in a pompous manner, after all, he had put the jaj guy in his place. He did not have the slightest idea that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, little did he know that the little smug expression on his face was about to evaporate forever.Just as we were reaching the Mulago roundabout, the taxi was stopped by a marine with a gun I had never seen before in my life. The jaj guy had made a few calls. IN FACT; turns out, the jaj guy had connections in the Pentagon and the head of the navy was his father. I had never before seen a taxi driver kneeling in the middle of traffic jam begging for mercy; everything is possible under this, God’s green earth!
To cut the long story short, the driver parted with UGX three million to sate the jaj guy whose only demand was 30k. Of course the taxi driver did not have that sort of money at that very moment, so he plucked out the gearbox of the taxi with his bare hands and sold it to foreign investors. But the money wasn’t enough; he plucked out the engine too. He also auctioned the side mirrors—we had to walk from Mulago to town.
Remember they were paying for a small scratch on the indicator, so in a move too bizarre even for me (but which would make Akello Emily proud—Emily is my most petty friend), the taxi conductor went to a nearby restaurant and bought an axe (I still don’t understand how the restaurant was selling axes, but regardless, we move) came back, and with all his energy, augmented with that of his ancestors, chopped off the indicators of the jaj guy (How is that for petty, Emily?) His reasoning: we have paid for your stupid indicators, we might as well take the old ones with us.
But that’s the thing; he did not take them. He chopped them off and threw them there, right in front of the jaj guy, spit on the remains and turned to look at the jaj guy with this look of “What can you do?” Well, that’s a very dangerous question to ask; the jaj guy reached into his pockets and removed a spear. I did not wait for further action; I had seen enough to last me a year of adventure.
@f_xavi_
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