My Boda Guy is Suicidal

Me: Jebale ssebo
Boda Guy: Nawe jebale
Boda Guy: Kale tugende
*I bench on bike

Me: (the following dialogue takes place in my head) I hope this is one of the sane ones..HORRYY SHEET…the heck?! Did this guys instructor forget to teach him how to smoothly handle gear one? Nyuka almost left me sitting midair like one of those cartoon characters!..Wait, WTF is he doing now, wrong side of the road dude, WRONG FREAKING side of the road! See those lights, that’s a humongous trailer approaching muff!! Me I’m not on your suicide plot. Phew…right side again…NOOO…not the pavement idyat! Oh shit! I think we just knocked a pregnant woman…she survived? How?! What sorcery is this?…100kph…on a bike, WTF are we chasing? Sinazaala mani. I don’t remember telling this chap it was some kind of emergency…maybe it is an emergency! Chap, do you have powers?…Do I have a brain tumour you can sense with your jujju that needs to be removed? Shit what if I have a tumour, I don’t want to die now!! Ah, wharever, this guy will probably kill me before we make it to the hospital. Dear Sir, be easy, whatever beef you have with me, forgive…I don’t want to die like this. My destiny is to die painlessly in my sleep, not splattered on the road like a virgin cockroac..YOU IMBECILE!…pot-FREAKIN-hole!!….it has the bloody word hole in it! Why in the milky way are you speeding towards it…FU***KK, my buttocks, they hurt…Oh sh*t, humps now…BANANGE..I think I have been sodomised by these humps!! You…YOU…you offspring of satan, are your brakes dead? DO you even know what brakes are!!?! SLOW the fcuk down!! Besides, it would seem you haven’t showered in the last trimester and I am getting a noseful of the results of your lacking hygienic habits! This is not what they mean by dry cleaning you retard! Ah, traffic lights, phew, let me catch my breath now…Oh fuck..Oh fuck..fuck…FUUCKKK ARRGGHH!!..WTFF?….It’s a bloody red light mazaf**!! REDD!!! Red means stop! GACIA…WHO grew you? They must have used expired fertilizer. Now check, mbu you are running away from police and KCCA…I didn’t sign up for this sh*t dwanzi!! Besides the helment is meant to protect your gu head…aaarrrghh…the head is empty anyway. I would have asked for it, but those fleas, nedda bambi. Eh, Andrew is flying on a bike too. Heh, that worried look must mean he is also late for work…*waves…ZAFWAK!? Gwe guy, when I wave at a homeboy, it’s not a signal for you to race his boda. Sweet Holy Mary Mother of Chisus, help me come out of this alive. Oh yes, YES, there is my destination…indicate you thick head…WHAT, you think people will just know you want to turn now?…Let me even put out my arm before someone crushes us when I’m so near…Phew, tutuse!”

Me: Ssebo, sente zizino
Boda Guy: Nyeyanziza ssebo
Me: Nange nyeyanziza. Olunaku lulungi!
Boda Guy: Kale ssebo.
Me: *walks off whistling Madonna’s Die another Day.


Written by Rolex (6)

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