Another peep into African presidents’ WhatsApp group

Kagame is typing …

UHURU: Guys, thanks for coming for Moi’s burial. Here Kenyans are still discussing his legacy. So much to learn and unlearn from this.

MZEE: Indeed, there is so much to learn.

Kagame is typing …

PAUL BIYA: Mzee, what much is there to learn? Forgive me, I’m on my long holiday. I haven’t really been following what is happening there.

MAGUFULI: Biya, you are still on holiday? How do you manage Cameroon like that? As if you are in a long-distance relationship with your country!

BIYA: You think Africans are difficult to manage? One can silence them, like you do. One can buy them, beat them, starve them… They are a special breed created by God for us leaders to be happy.

MZEE: Kagame, are you typing a border-closing handbook?

Kagame is typing …

KIIR: Mzee, you never told us. What was there to learn from Moi’s funeral?

MZEE: Do you realise that most people who handed over or were removed from power are dying? Nyerere, Mandela, Mugabe, and now Moi… The lesson is clear; handing over power is not good for our health. That is what our people do not understand.

KIIR: I think you have a valid point. That is a very intelligent analysis. And most of our people do not know how irreplaceable we are. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be wasting time in these stupid elections.

KAGAME: Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Don’t provoke us. You will regret.

NKURUNZIZA: Who is this one trying to threaten? Go away. You think this forum is your country where you bully everyone around?

MZEE: Tell him, there are no borders to close here.

KAGAME: At least some of us threaten and develop our countries. Some of you both threaten and make your countries rot. Group admin, protect this group well, people from certain countries might steal it. Endemically corrupt!

NKURUNZIZA: Well, guys, I am soon leaving office. I have had enough at this. You may take my example if you wish.

MZEE: Can’t you just go quietly without making all that childish noise? In our cases, we really want to go, but our people keep begging us to stay. It has nothing to do with us wanting to keep here.

KAGAME: We? Mzee, speak for yourself. I agree with you on the matter, but there is no ‘we’ here.

RAMAPHOSA: How do you solve a problem like Malema!

MZEE: Cyril, inbox me for some tips.

KAGAME: Cyril, are you really finding that difficult! Like seriously??????

MAGUFULI: Cyril, talk to me nicely. I’m writing a manual on that topic.

RAMAPHOSA: Mzee, how is Bobi Wine?

MZEE: Ask Chaka Chaka.

UHURU: I am here with Raila on a cup of coffee. You surely don’t know how relieving this is.

KIIR: Can’t you take your tea quietly! Is coffee that important in Kenya that whenever you take it you have to announce?

BUHARI: Guys, the US and Britain are returning more than $300 million stolen by Sani Abacha and kept there. I’m wondering what to do with it.

ANONYMOUS: Wow, I envy you! If I were you, I would immediately take it to another country that is not as nosy as those ones. Bank it in China. Those ones are good friends.

MZEE: If that is well utilised, it can buy off the entire opposition… and all these noisy musicians, religious leaders, etc.

KIIR: Now I feel like buying more ammunition and …!

NANA AKUFO: Guys, when shall we stop turning our continent into the laughing stock of the world? Some of us are the reason our countries are insulted as shithole places. Can’t we be better than this?

MZEE: Young man, better than what? You think you love Africa more than some of us who are willing to die leading it? You should be more respectful; some of us have more experience at presidency and know all those things you are lecturing about.

KAGAME: Once again, Mzee, speak for yourself. I agree, though.

BASHIR: Brothers, listen before something worse happens to you. I’m talking with concrete authority on this.

Bashir was removed from the group.

MZEE: Thanks admin. What was he still doing here!

Ghadaffi is typing …Mugabe is typing …Mubarak is typing …Jammeh is typing …Amin is typing …Obote is typing …

MZEE: Admin, where are you?

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Written by Jimmy Spire Ssentongo (1)

The author is a teacher of philosophy

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