Ultimatum to Love

Dear Love, Fuck Off

Dear Love,

It’s been quite a while since we last had a chat, hasn’t it? Now before you get too excited and decidedly screw me over – again – I’d like to point out first and foremost that I am not writing so you can play your games with me. This is not a summoning nor is it an invitation, so sit your skinny ass down and finish this whole letter before you fly over here in one of your ecstatic moods.

Firstly, I’d like to commend you on sticking to our deal, I mean I know it’s tough out there for a dude who’s just trying to make a living and feed his children so I really appreciate you staying away from me. Though I have to say that if this is all about the kids, stop having so goddamn many of them but hey, we’ve had this discussion before and I’ll back off for now. As per our agreement, you keep away from me and I will not discourage anyone I come in contact with from letting you in and allowing you to get down to business. You also promised that you’d only show up when I called on you and while I don’t know if you’re good or evil – though I’m leaning towards the latter considering that you’re the emotional equivalent of a narcotic – I now realize that you’re one shamelessly sneaky bastard.

Don’t get all indignant on me, I know how you are, with your emotional manipulation and theft of common sense; my accusations are true and you know that. When I asked you to stay away from me, I meant all of you and this includes your seedlings, clones, children, crushes, or whatever you call them these days. They’re cute when they don’t stay for too long and sometimes I like to feed them because they inevitably make me smile but there’s this one that has latched onto me and will not let me go! Do you think this is a motherfucking game? I am incredibly busy and I don’t have time to waste time entertaining your crushes instead of working! You try walking around having a child latched onto your head every minute of every day and you’ll see where I am coming from.

I am not sure if this is some sort of malevolent ploy to get back at me for not falling for your tricks but come on man, I am the least harmful person you’ll ever come across. I mean I love your work – no pun intended. The other day, my “baby” sister was grinning for hours on end, not because she’d passed her exams like I’d assured her she would, or because of anything I’d done but rather because of you; because of Love! Why on earth would I want to end you when you can do that for her? I think you’re fantastic but I’d much rather admire you from afar. You need to stop being clingy and just leave me the fuck alone.

It’s not enough that you’re still trying to sneak into my house – note that it’s MY house and you’re not invited, take a hint dude – but my Psychology has to gang up with you against me. By the way, I know that it’s coming over for a meeting later tonight at your house – yes of course I notice when my mind is missing – and I am not pleased with that arrangement. I bet you’re the one who put that intelligent guy in my way that one time and coaxed him into spewing all manner of enlightening, insightful, and shrewd utterances. That’s how Psychology got roped into all this, isn’t it? You are really incorrigible, you know that? You slipped my Psychology one of your cute little baby Crushes and assumed that it would be grown long before I ever decided to do anything about it.

I’ve got to hand it to you though, that was a smart move – you know me, I give credit where it is due. I’d always pulverized your seedlings in a matter of days and hadn’t seen any for years. You were luring me into a false sense of security though, weren’t you, you unholy manifestation of human longing? Then you sent over this current one and I entertained it even as it sent its monstrous roots deep into my very being and started to devour me alive. Enough is enough, though! I mean this dude doesn’t even know that I exist and before you get all technical on me, that’s just a figure of speech, so shut it and pay attention.

Here’s my ultimatum, Love. I am a human being and that almost always equates to me being selfish. With that in mind, understand that for me, it’s always about the highest bidder. I am pretty sure the only way my sweet, naïve Psychology got lured into this mess was because this dude was the most intelligent creature we’d ever come across, to date. So here’s what you do: find me someone more intelligent for my Psychology to entertain and I won’t go after you personally – you know I can; you’ve seen my weapons room. That’s all there is to it; you’re a well-connected guy and even if you weren’t, you’re resourceful enough to get me what I want. If you do not comply, I’ll wage a war against you and I’ll win it because I will never lose my mind you your mind-sucking, whorish ways.

You know that I will use this new fella to dislodge your monstrous Crush but honestly, it’s been growing teeth and is now learning to bite so it needs to go. Stop harboring the thought that if you left your child here long enough, I’ll let you in; I will not! I’d much rather slit my own throat than dance with you again. Heck, I’d even much rather wait patiently for this dude to find someone he loves, get married and then show up at his wedding and force myself to watch it all just so I can kill your kid! Yeah, I’m that pissed off, so hop to it.

That being said though, I have this friend I think you should visit and if you slap around that girl he hangs around with a bit just so she’d get to the point with him, I’d really be grateful.

Denise Kavuma

Written by Denise Kavuma

I AM DENISE!!! nuff said!

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