An entire year can never really be summed up adequately and it’d be pure folly for me to try but there are happenings that stick with you, even when they shouldn’t. There are phrases that float over, plastering themselves to you wherever they land, clutching at you and never letting go until they’ve finally been embedded into your soul. I’ve collected enough of these and these are the ones that were added during the past year.
The ‘I love you’s were carelessly uttered by two people.
It’s a phrase that means nothing to me; has been so for a while now
Craved over years but never received, I discarded any attachments to it.
I understand however that others don’t see as I do and that’s unfortunate,
For they’ll never quite find what they’re looking for here.
One said ‘I love you’ and it amounted to nothing in the end
Not even after I whispered it back numerous times at night.
The other of the two has been saying it for close to a decade now.
The phrase means nothing to me but he does.
There was the ‘you’re too emotional a person, you know.’
Flung at me with a sneer by people I respected and admired
Simply because I asked for more time, more affection, more recognition.
More comfort for when the pain overwhelmed and tears couldn’t be held back anymore
And I just sobbed quietly to myself; alone.
I am healing now; there’s nothing wrong with having feelings.
I’ve hated them and tried to hold them back for so long but
They’re a part of me and so I accept them too.
Always and forever.
‘I will miss you,’ brought tears to my eyes
Said to me by my littlest sister who is all of five years young.
‘I’m sorry I’m always away,’ I wanted to say. ‘I have school and work, you see.’
I’ve always been away months at a time, never quite watching her grow.
‘I’m the one they call for advice when you get sick but I’ll be here one day.’
But I’ve moved out of home…I’m never coming back.
And yet she’ll miss me despite only seeing me for a few weeks at a go.
I cried even more and I wasn’t sure why.
In the depth of my deepest despair, when the depression manifested again
‘How can I help?’ found its way through the darkness, to me.
Uttered by the last person I expected it to come from.
Suddenly I wasn’t so alone anymore…someone wanted to help me.
I wasn’t being melodramatic, or stupid, or selfish.
I wasn’t being unchristian for shutting everything out.
For the first time, I was someone in need of help and it changed everything.
There were words I’d waited my whole life to hear
Words I craved every day and wished someone would say to me.
After 21 years of studying and all the hard work I put into everything
I still needed someone to validate that I’d done the right thing. Anyone.
It was no surprise then that I crumbled into an unintelligible mess when a friend said
‘I am proud of you.’
She liberated me when she said those simple words
After I spoke of the darkness that overwhelms and my final end.
She helped me reach acceptance and of all the years I expected that to occur
2015 surely wasn’t one of them.
‘I’ll be right back; we’ll meet at 8; I’ll text you back with my response.
You’re awesome; I’ve never met anyone like you; your intelligence calls to me.’
All lies told by living, breathing humans who meant no harm,
But to whom I never truly mattered.
‘I am here for you and we will live together, win together, and die together.’
Words uttered as I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
Trying to wipe the inky darkness of despair from my eyes.
‘You matter to no one but yourself. You matter to me.’
Words my reflection spoke back.
And so it begins anew.