One Rant to Rule Them All

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Life as a whole takes energy to be lived, sometimes far too much energy and I am afraid I lack that. To be considered great one ought to be wise, brave, outgoing, resilient, humble, able to drink children’s blood, and have a virgin or two handy just in case there’s a need to summon the dark lord. I’m not sure if it ever occurs to people that it’s perfectly alright for any combination of these attributes to exist in one person and if it does occur to them, then they certainly don’t show it. One might be wise and introverted, that’s alright, or brave and arrogant, that’s fine too. Heck like me, one might be brave and suicidal and that’s perfectly alright as well.

No it’s not, many people would be tempted to retort and I’d be curious to start an argument about the entire issue but again, that would take far too much energy and I am afraid I don’t really have that. It’s also what is commonly referred to as giving a Gandalf and I can assure you that as regards some discussions, the field in which I used to grow my Gandalfs is now barren. Everyone has an opinion on something and given half the chance, they’ll try to shove it so far down your throat, their grubby little hands will pop out of where the sun doesn’t shine. I used to be like that too until, once more, I stopped giving Gimlis. Should someone attempt to try and “fix” me by forcing their opinions down my throat, I do what I do best and shit their ideas out. It’s a calm and simple way of doing it.

Looking at the fact that I want to remain single for life, people somehow get offended by that – and I’ll point out here that I do not bring this little tidbit about my personal life up unless asked – and try to argue with me about that. I have to be damaged in some way to not want to get married and have kids and so they attempt to find out exactly which bit of my massive baggage causes me to not adhere to societal norms. Man, there was this one time a reverend overheard me responding to a colleague about my aversion to marriage and I can say the stink-eye she gave me was one I will not soon forget. She might have been trying to stab the grace of god in me with the daggers in her eyes but it sure felt like she was about to start chanting and curse me for all eternity.

Moving on to the fact that I am fat, it’s the exact same thing. From the way people try to give their opinions about my weight, one would think that I didn’t know I was grossly overweight. I’ll tell you a little secret my overly nosy (to the point of being creepy) “friends,” I do in fact know that I am fat. It’s a rather hard fact to forget when I grew up in a household that treated being fat like the worst thing any child could do. Forget greetings or congratulations on any achievements, no, the first words out of their mouths were always something derogatory about my weight. My parents would (unknowingly) visit the most proficient fat-shamers in the region and little round me would hang her head in shame, losing her appetite for all of 5 minutes before I skipped off into my little world of dark fantasies.

At this point people would often say that they’re just concerned for my health and wellbeing and it’s in those moments when I think to myself, wondering really, just what these people could tell me that I don’t already know. I am a doctor for Gamgee’s sake and even though they use that as a weapon against me, telling me that I should know better, the fact is that I do know better it’s just that I don’t give a rat’s ass about it all! Some people have skulls so thick that even the truth, as sharp as it is, can’t penetrate through.

Looking at Christianity and my decision to abandon it, I encounter the same problems. I don’t go around sniffing out religious people and trying to bring them over to my side and I certainly don’t air out my views about religion unless asked to but that’s a courtesy only I care about, apparently. I have people surrounding me who try to force their beliefs down my throat and while I know that shitting out god can be quite painful, I do it anyway. I do not need to be saved nor do I really care for people’s religious opinions and if she can’t have an open discussion without bringing religion into it then I am afraid that we cannot be friends because I just don’t give a Galadriel anymore.

Lastly let’s look at my suicidal ideation and consider it without emotion. I don’t know what it is about death that has everyone so scared but I feel differently, heck, going as far as even idiotically romanticizing the idea of death. The truth is this: I would like to die. That’s it; nothing added on top of that. Personally I do not think that I’d be doing any person any harm by simply just dying and that grief that I’ll bring my family should I die by my own hand is the exact same grief they’ll go through were I to suddenly die in a traffic accident. They would most certainly get through it simply because they must; it’s human nature.

There are times in my life when I am forced to look on in frustration and immense disbelief as someone refuses to acknowledge logic and instead sticks to his illogical guns. What the Glorfindel, I always ask myself but apparently there is never a logical response to that. I get the exact same feeling whenever strangers and acquaintances try to shame me into not being suicidal or depressed. How is it any of their problem in the first place? Why on earth must people try to insert themselves in another’s life; another’s decisions. Personally I don’t believe that I am of any consequence in this world of ours and despite what people might think, that belief brings me relief. Knowing that anything good, or admirable that I have done could just as easily have been accomplished by someone else (if god cared about it enough, he’d have ensured that it’d have happened, because that’s what gods do) is a reason for me to feel free. The world won’t end and lives won’t be devastated simply because I chose to walk into the dark night.

What I often say to people who argue with me about this is that I don’t give a Gollum what they think. Should they be strangers, then my life certainly doesn’t matter to them and theirs matters less and less to me with each passing irritating and redundant point they keep arguing. Should these people be acquaintances, well then they sat back and watched me descend into depression and now that I am almost at rock bottom is when they speak up? Did I offend their sensibilities because I want to die? Did some magical Angel of Concern fill their hearts with love and understanding? Galador them! I don’t blame any of my decisions on others; I do not blame my depression on anyone and I choose to deal with all this Gloin alone, so I believe it’s not too much to ask that others mind their own business.

I am not hurting anyone.

Here’s the bottom line though. The people in my life that I actually call friends, those precious, countable few understand that this is my life now and they stood by helplessly as darkness engulfed me numerous times. Of course they do not want me to string up my noose (though if they did I don’t think I’d mind that much, I am an ass after all) but they understand that it’s my decision and so they’ll deal with it. That’s it really and no words have ever been as comforting as those.

I choose to surround myself with people like this and I will protect my sensibilities. This idiocy of exposing myself to the world and the various opinions out there is utter poppycock, in my opinion. The exact same world that thinks me a disgrace, a coward (they’re not entirely wrong on this point, I have to admit), weak, and the worst of mankind simply because I’d rather escape this world than suffer through this daily agony that I go through. The world that thinks that women are definitely inferior beings, marital rape doesn’t exist, that homosexual individuals should be prosecuted and that people ought to die or raise abused, jaded, and broken kids rather than have abortions? The world that insists that war is inevitable, murder is acceptable so long as you have enough money, and that religion is a good reason to hate an entire race of people? Yeah, Girion that world.

I am forced to deal daily with individuals who have these differing views and I can’t do anything about it simply because it’s my job and doctors can’t shouldn’t be rude. I certainly will not place these same people in my personal life, in my newsfeed, or in my chats; heck I’d much rather that I didn’t know these people existed, in the first place.

It’s certainly part of human selfishness to want to save another person no matter how many times that person insists that salvation isn’t necessary. You’ll thank me later, people often say and so go ahead to do insane things in an attempt to save my soul. I often ask them just who they think they’re helping with all their unwanted efforts; certainly not me because I want to be left alone, it’s the one joy I get in life these days. It’s rather interesting because most people don’t even know that they’re acting out of selfishness and they see it as kindness and goodwill, so when I call it what it is, they get offended. Like a poor man on the street refusing to take you money, or that pretty girl glaring at you because you called her hot. It’s the same logic some men use whenever they buy drinks or dinner for ladies and expect to get laid at the end of the night. Should the woman refuse it’s suddenly all about bitchiness, ungratefulness, and gold-digging. You owe me, bitch, I’ve actually heard some men say.

I’ll stand here and say quite openly that I don’t want your money, nor do I want your drinks. Please go home and leave me alone; you’ve lived your entire life up to this point without my influence in it and making me feel Gil-galad about my decisions isn’t going to improve yours. So you stop me from jumping off that ledge and go home happy with yourself, pleased that you did something great for mankind while I’m stuck in the same routine, unable to be happy for months at a time. Often enough people don’t want to think that they stood quietly by as someone sank so low into depression that self-harm became a choice; we don’t want to consider it but it’s the truth. We need to learn to deal with the truth and hey, look at it this way, there are millions of people in the world who do exactly what you do and the interesting thing is that it’s not your fault. It fucking has nothing to do with you!

Written by Denise Kavuma

I AM DENISE!!! nuff said!

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