Doubting Self-doubt

This “where do you see yourself in five years” question is nothing I know how to answer. It makes me feel unserious. Sometimes I don’t even know what I may end up saying yes to, in the coming 24hrs. I’ve really failed to keep up with myself.

5 years ago I didn’t know I’d be the lead person of a Foundation. I’ve been running away from leadership for almost all of my life. I only got myself in positions of leadership accidentally. Elected without being given a chance to say no. I only got myself together to head something I believed was necessary for society, in 2019. It was a scary decision but I was dead sure it was necessary.

After registering the foundation, I started looking up articles and laws on deregistration. What I had gotten on my hands was too much for me to take. I wanted to run. This year, EQUATE Foundation will celebrate 2 years of service, on 4th November. COVID has set us back but we’ve (with the members) served wherever we could.

5 years ago, if you asked me what a podcast was, I’d not say. It’s just a word I used to see. I never understood it. I managed to understand what it was. I knew I wanted to do exactly that – podcasting.

In 2019 (I guess I should start looking at 2019 as my year of growth) I had an idea of what I needed but oh hail procrastination! By the close of the year I knew if I don’t record anything, I’ll never start. I allowed myself to publish an episode oblivious of what exactly I needed to get going. There’s a lot I don’t know but one thing I’m sure of is that when I get my mindset to do something, it has to be done. I’m also one of those people who learn on the job, so I was ready to do just that.

I turned my first episode into a specimen which professionals in the media would work with when guiding me on what I need to improve. I went back to the drawing board. I learnt the basics and I returned, recorded, published episodes, doubted myself, self-sabotaged, ran into hiding.

I’ve learnt in the past year of Podcasting ( that it is easier for me to take criticism than it is for me to take praise. I left when people talked about how beautiful my voice is (I only knew good voices for singing and besides, I had heard my voice before then and it wasn’t pleasing). I worked so hard to get the content to be produced that it felt like podcasting may not be my kind of thing, after all. I wanted it all to be easy and I think that’s where I got it wrong.

I returned this year. Well aware of what may come my way. Imposter syndrome and its children – self-doubt, anxiety, self-sabotage, inter alia are the biggest naysayers I’ve come across in this journey but you know what they say about your enemies. You keep them close. We chat about their realities and I also get to air my own.

So where do I see myself in five years? I hope that I’ll have mastered how to doubt self-doubt.

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Written by Nabuguzi. Kiwanuka (0)

Lawyer. Founder, Director, CEO at Equate Foundation. Podcaster - Hash Time with Nabuguzi Kiwanuka. Drawer. Dance lover. Music lover. Risk-taker. Daily learner.

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