Dearest Soul, I Choose You

bird flying

There are some peculiarities in the world that we live in which I don’t understand and which I am not sure how to go about. It seems as though the Earth, from the moment we emerged, has been used to only nourish our loneliness.

Many people are self-aware enough to understand that loneliness is a part of who we are; something from which one can never run. Some may try to stave it off with parties, gather in masses of people and hope that that will be enough. You could do the best you can with books, food, and music. Heck, some even go on and try to wash it away with adrenaline but loneliness is a staple in life and it will always come calling.

It is like a boomerang that always knows where home is. Perhaps it’s more like playing Ping-Pong against the most prolific player in the Universe who will always hit that ball back to you. It is an extension of your soul; it will always be just around the corner. Despite the fact that we know we feel lonely, we would much rather seek others to fulfil our own loneliness than help them out. Many times, we would rather hold onto hope that someone will come to save us or perhaps someday somehow, someone will fully love each aspect of us, even the broken ones. We never think to love the broken people first.

I often wonder to myself whether evil people are those who do evil things or those who could do good but choose not to. Whenever I ask this question aloud, people usually say it is the latter but I am not so sure. By that very definition, I myself can be called evil. I mean I have the potential for good but I choose to not fulfil it and in doing so, I acknowledge that I am the villain in my own life’s story but does that make me evil?

On the other hand, if we could exorcise another person’s loneliness while knowing that we ourselves might never be fulfilled in the entirety of our lives, would we do it? Would I do it? This is another question I have no answer to. I stand here knowing that in this moment, I have chosen to abandon all thoughts of amity. That I have decided to never again actively seek out friendship and have terminated all the relationships that I once had. I did so because they were unfulfilling. As simple as that. I do not know if other people are truly contented in their relationships but I certainly wasn’t in mine. It is quite certain too that I didn’t fulfil my partners either. Therefore, instead of maintaining that vicious cycle so I could think to myself that I have “friends”, I decided that it made more sense to abandon that path.

Here I am, then, with no friends and alone but not always lonely. When I am lonely, it’s a relieving kind of loneliness. There is a freedom I found within myself when I realised that I didn’t have to wake up in the morning and ask so and so about his day, hoping in turn that he would ask me about mine, or some such. That I didn’t have to feel sad knowing that I’d remembered everyone’s birthday but that they’d all forgotten mine. Again. I no longer have to buy gifts and hope that someday, someone would think of me and gift me a little heartfelt piece of her soul.

I don’t have to be there to help people fight their monsters yet realise that when my own demons crush me, none of them are there to provide any support.

In the very end, you see, there never really was any support, or birthday wishes, or gifts. In those moments when I was most desperate for a thoughtful word, people failed to find time for me. For the longest time I believed that I was unworthy of affection simply because everybody I’d ever met failed to give it to me. They slung all sorts of phrases towards me to justify their actions – or lack thereof. Phrases which undoubtedly damaged me more and more with each time that I heard them.

You have too many feelings.

Seriously, you are too much to handle.

Your expectations are too high for anyone to fulfil.

Since you’re strong and independent, it’s impossible for anyone to know how to comfort you.

For some reason, they were said with heavy amounts of derision, as if it is a crime or an ugly thing to feel too much. I think not. I think that my feelings are beautiful. They enable me to see in others what most people don’t. It is because I understand and love my feelings that I am able to pick out the brokenness in others for I too was once broken, left bleeding with no hope.

When I look at somebody and I see loneliness and the desire to be understood, when I see the desire to pour who they are into anyone so that they can feel like someone else cares about them, I can understand that from the depths of my cold heart. When I see the endless loneliness in someone else, when I see the bottomless pain they feel and yet still catch a glimpse of hope that perhaps one day that chasm may be filled, I empathise. I understand it at an almost visceral level.

The question though, is whether I am willing to leave the comfort of my own solitude in order to wash away somebody’s loneliness? In my seclusion, I am often lonely, true. This is not pleasant and it would never be my first choice but it is the lesser of two pains. It is a state of being I have been in almost constantly since I was first conscious of who I am. That is to say that I was lonely even when I was in relationships with other people. It is not new to me and has always been a constant in my life except now I have it yet I have no disappointments from others. This is a better state of being than I’ve ever had.

So it is a relieving kind of loneliness. A happy kind of sadness. It is contradictory in itself and yet nothing could fully embody me more. I love it!

Despite all of this, I look at the world and accept that while I don’t understand people fully, I do see a little more than most. Once you have stared into the abyss, you begin to see the hollowness in the eyes of your brethren, of those who too have looked deep into that terrifying pit. The eyes of those who have been touched by that soul-blackening hand. I see that and I know that I could choose to pour myself into those beings and nourish them. Indeed, I know that all my numerous feelings will be able to soothe them but loneliness is an endless chasm and there will always be a need which I could never fulfil.

Would it then be better to momentarily satisfy someone or to choose selfishness instead and protect the peace I have gotten from it? To go along this path knowing that I will never know loyalty, or know the beauty of someone choosing to love me selflessly but that I will be more satisfied with myself than I have been all my life? I think I choose myself.

I choose myself.

Are evil people those who perform evil acts or those who could do good but choose not to?

Written by Denise Kavuma

I AM DENISE!!! nuff said!

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